Redemptus
by so original
Summary: Redemption. Salvation. It's funny, isn't it? Who would've thought we'd be the ones with no reason to go back? Speculation for season 4. Skate.
1. Chapter 1

Well, it's been a few months in the making, but here's my new Kate/Sawyer story. Hope you all enjoy it. Thanks to Freelancer21 for being my amazing beta reader! You've been a huge help.

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing.

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Redemptus

_Chapter 1._

She was pregnant. That one thought beat in Kate's mind like a drum, over and over again. It was all she could think about.

She couldn't be a mother. Her life had been destroyed because of Wayne's genes in her, the part of her that was him. Now someone else would have those genes. She couldn't bear the thought. The line should have ended with her.

She felt tainted. More so now than ever before. She wasn't surprised that Sawyer was avoiding her. She was sure he sensed it.

She didn't even know how to be a mother. She hadn't had a great childhood; she hadn't had any role models. What kind of person would this child grow into? Would it end up worse than her? Would it resent her? Would she even have a chance to raise it and screw up its life?

Rescue was coming. She was going to jail. The only way she could avoid it would be to go on the run again. How could she do that with a baby?

She needed Sawyer. She needed his support. She needed him to snap out of whatever it was that was wrong with him. She needed to know where he stood.

Kate didn't know what was wrong with him. She had a feeling it had to do with the pregnancy. It had started when he came back with that tape, when they'd found out what the Others wanted.

And then he'd said he hoped she wasn't pregnant. She didn't really want to know why he'd said that, or what he meant. It was too much. Maybe she was better off not knowing. But she wanted to know how he felt now. Deciding that Sawyer had been avoiding her long enough, she set out to find him.

Eventually, Kate managed to track Sawyer down. She found him in a fairly deserted part of the jungle, on his own, doing nothing. She paused out of sight, watching him for a moment. It looked like he'd come here to avoid everyone, not just her. The thought only increased her worry.

Determined not to let him get away with it any longer, she stormed out of the trees. She hadn't meant to get so angry. She'd wanted to avoid a fight, but after seeing him the way he was, fury rose up in her unbidden. She let it take over.

"What's _wrong_ with you?" she asked accusingly. He looked up at her then; Kate saw regret written all over his face. Regret about what, she wasn't sure.

"We find out I'm pregnant, and you don't want anything to do with me anymore? Ever since you got that tape from Locke you've been different." Kate could feel her anger taking over her, but she couldn't fight it. Not that she was trying very hard. She continued yelling.

"Is the thought of a baby too much for you? You can't handle it now there's something tying you to me? What it is?!"

She saw that Sawyer was getting angry now too, and amidst her own tumultuous emotions, she felt a hint of relief.

"Not everything is about you, Kate." He said, his quiet tone barely masking his feelings.

"Then what is it about?" Her tone matched his perfectly.

He refused to look at her, choosing instead to focus on the rocks he was currently kicking around the jungle floor.

"You're better off without me."

Whatever Kate was expecting to hear, it wasn't this. She couldn't move. She didn't want to think about the implications of his statement. However, the question she didn't want to ask forced its way past her lips.

"What do you mean?"

"What do you think it means, Kate?" he responded harshly. "I'm not a good person. You're better off getting out while you can."

Every thought, every emotion, every fear that had been crippling Sawyer was finally breaking free of him. It felt good to no longer be held their prisoner. He let the process continue.

"You remember me telling you about Mr Sawyer? You remember me saying I was gonna kill him? Well, I finally did it. Found him, here, on this island, and I killed him."

He was advancing on Kate now as he spilled his secrets. She stood stock still, refusing to back down, though her shock was obvious. She'd never imagined this.

"What was he doing here?" she asked quietly, wanting to say something, but unsure of what.

"Does it matter?" Sawyer spat out. "Point is he's dead. I killed him. I wasn't even planning on it. Something inside me snapped. That's the kind of person I am, Kate. Unpredictable. Do you really want me hanging around your kid?" He turned, avoiding her eyes, and started to stalk away. He didn't get very far before Kate called out to him.

"You think I'm any better, Sawyer?" He flinched at the name, hoping she didn't notice. Regardless of whether she saw it or not, Kate continued on.

"I killed my own father. I planned it all out, made it look like an accident. But my mother turned me in. I thought she'd be grateful. He's been beating her for years. She hated me for it."

She paused, waiting for Sawyer's reaction. His expression was unreadable.

"Did he hit you, too?" There was the slightest trace of concern in his voice. It surprised Kate, though not as much as the question itself.

"No." She said firmly.

"So why did you kill him then?" He seemed genuinely curious. Kate wasn't used to that, especially not accompanied by that particular question.

"Because he was a part of me. He was a bad person, and so I'll never be good. And now this baby has those same genes, so it'll be just as messed up as I am. You think it's better off without you? It can never be good anyway, and that's because of me."

She was crying now, the fear and the guilt over what she'd done to an innocent person overwhelming her. She should never have been allowed to have children.

Sawyer was staring at her intently, his eyes full of pity. Again, not something Kate was used to. After a full minute of silence, he finally spoke, shocking her once more.

"Don't be ridiculous."

Kate froze, instantly paralysed. If Sawyer noticed, he didn't care enough to stop his latest tirade.

"If you think the kid's gonna be screwed up, at least say it's because of something that makes sense. Like because there's a good chance it'll be raised here. Or because you don't know how to be a good mom because yours didn't exactly set a great example. Don't blame genetics. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Kate couldn't believe what she was hearing. Finally breaking free of her invisible bonds, she ran. Sawyer watched her go.

* * *

Later that day, Sawyer headed back to his tent. He wondered where Kate was. He'd wanted to push her away, to protect her from him. He'd thought that telling her about killing Sawyer would do it. It looked like he'd been right. 

The thought wasn't a pleasant one. It seemed as though every time he got something he thought he wanted, it turned out to be the last thing he would have hoped for.

On top of everything else, he was trying to deal with the fact that she was pregnant. He already had a kid. He'd abandoned her, wanted nothing to do with her. He'd never even met her. He wasn't fit to be a father. Why would that be any different for this kid?

He didn't want to be like his father. No one deserved a parent like that. He couldn't imagine a situation where he'd kill Kate and leave their kid without a mother, but he figured his own father must have thought that at one stage too. Nothing was certain. He didn't want to risk it.

He'd already started heading down that path, anyway. He'd killed Sawyer. He'd killed Duckett. He was a murderer. Who knew where it would end?

As he neared his tent, he avoided looking around the beach. He didn't want to see Kate just then. It was so much easier to avoid her. He didn't want to go over their argument again. Everything she'd said, everything he'd said, and they way they'd both reacted... It was too much for one day. None of it made sense. He wanted to leave it, to not have to deal with it until later.

This time, he didn't get his wish. He entered his tent and there she was, curled up on his bed. Thinking she was sleeping, he decided he'd allow himself a moment to stare at her before leaving again. His plan was quickly thwarted when she sat up, her eyes meeting his.

They stared at each other. Deciding there was no point in prolonging the inevitable, Sawyer sat beside her. He thought he saw her relax at his gesture. He didn't know what she wanted from him, why she was here, so he waited.

As she watched him, Kate thought about everything they'd said earlier. One question had been eating at her ever since their argument.

"Do you really think I'm better off without you?" she asked softly, almost afraid of what his response would be.

He didn't answer. She waited for what seemed to be an eternity, before finally deciding to tell him the truth.

"I need you. No matter what. I want you with me."

At her words, Sawyer shifted. Thinking he was going to move away, leave her alone again, she was surprised when he lay down, placing his head in her lap. She buried her fingers in his hair, thinking this was something, at least.

Sawyer lay still, eyes closed, thinking. His head was so close to her stomach. To distract himself from processing Kate's words, he tried to imagine the baby in there. He couldn't quite manage it. It seemed impossible.

Kate felt Sawyer press his head into her belly slightly. Watching him, she thought he was trying to listen for something. The idea amazed her. As she watched, she noticed an uncertain look cross his face. Suddenly desperate to comfort him, she stroked his hair, wishing he'd look at her.

"You're not a bad person, James." She said quietly. He visibly relaxed at those words, much to Kate's relief. After a few seconds, he opened his eyes and looked at her.

"Neither are you, Freckles." He murmured, finally breaking his silence.

Kate smiled, almost crying again. Sawyer lifted his head and pulled Kate down so she was lying beside him. Both eventually fell asleep, each clinging to the only other person in the world who understood.

_tbc._

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	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad people are enjoying this so far.

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_Chapter 2._

A couple of months later, Sawyer was still having issues. He couldn't get the fact that he'd killed someone, again, out of his head.

It had been different with Duckett, somehow. There'd still been guilt, and pain, and that feeling of being unworthy of anything good, of somehow being less than human. But he'd planned that one. He'd thought it over obsessively; what to say, what to do. His whole life had been leading up to that moment, that one event that would erase all the wrong doings that he had done and had been done to him. It was supposed to be the turning point. Life was supposed to be good after it.

It was the wrong person. In a way, it made it easier to deal with it. He was still in his 'bad person' stage. The life changing event hadn't happened yet. It was still to come; and now it would counteract this event on the balance sheet of his life, along with all the others. He still had a chance.

And then it happened, right when he wasn't expecting it. That was what worried him the most; the fact that he'd snapped. Instead of cleansing his soul and setting him on the path he should have been on all along, he found it was like looking in a mirror for the first time. He saw who he really was, and he despised himself. He was afraid. There was no guarantee he wouldn't do it again. He wasn't a safe person to be around.

Kate had been good to him. She realised now what was going on, and he knew she understood what it was like. She was trying to support him, but at the same time she had her own issues to deal with. So it was easy for Sawyer to avoid her.

He disappeared into the jungle regularly. He wanted to be alone, to think about everything. He liked to wallow in his guilt and self-pity. He often wondered why he got such satisfaction out of feeling miserable, but he never thought too hard about it.

One particular day as he sat on his own, remembering the weight of those chains in his hands, Locke appeared. Sawyer was stunned. He hadn't seen him since that day. He stood up, speechless. Locke stood, as though he was waiting for Sawyer to make the first move. He didn't have to wait long for Sawyer to find his voice again.

"Where the Hell have you been?" he spat out, fuming.

Locke remained calm. "With the Others. Like I told you before."

"What are you doing with them? We have Ben. They ain't got a leader anymore. What exactly do you think you're gonna get out of it?" Sawyer demanded to know, pacing. Seeing Locke again was making it all the easier to conjure up the images of that day. Another reason to hate him.

Locke ignored his question. "I came here today to thank you for killing Cooper," he said, stunning Sawyer even more.

He stopped pacing, and stared at the man. He could barely comprehend what he'd just heard.

"Why did you want him dead so bad?"

Locke rubbed a hand over his head, considering the question. He sat down, indicating for Sawyer to do the same. He ignored the gesture.

Locke began. "He conned me. Not for money, the way he usually did. He wanted my kidney. I never knew him growing up. He waited til he got sick before he decided to meet me."

Locke paused for a moment, clearly growing angry at the memory. "He made me think he cared. It was my idea to donate the kidney. When I woke up from the surgery, he was already gone.

"I became obsessed. I followed him around, sat outside his house for hours. Eventually someone came to me. He was conning someone else. He never stopped. I confronted him, and he threw me out a window. I was paralysed until I came here."

Locke paused again. "He deserved to die," he mused.

"So why didn't you kill him?" Sawyer asked, his voice menacing. Why couldn't he have just done it himself?

"I told you. I'm not a murderer," Locke said. Seeing Sawyer's obvious anger at his response, he elaborated.

"I knew you wanted revenge. I knew about the letter. You made it your life's mission to kill that man. Now you've done it. I thought you'd be grateful by now."

"What do you mean, 'by now'?" Sawyer asked, trying to wrap his head around what he was hearing.

"Once the shock wore off. It's been a few months; I thought you'd have moved on by now."

"Oh yeah? And how am I supposed to move on from killing someone?" Sawyer asked. Although there wasn't a trace of it in his voice, he really wanted to know.

Locke sighed, perhaps sensing that this was going to be harder than he thought. "What are you feeling right now, James? Guilt? Regret? Disappointment? You thought everything would be okay after you killed Sawyer. But now you have, and things are worse. You think you're a bad person. You want people to hate you, so they won't want to be around you. You think you're protecting them from you by staying away."

Sawyer didn't move. He was both annoyed and amazed that Locke knew what he was feeling.

"You're not a bad person. People who are bad, truly evil, like him, don't feel guilty. They don't regret what they did. They're the ones who're a danger to everyone around them. The ones who feel guilt are safe to be with. The guilt will stop them from doing anything like it again.

"You had a reason to kill him. Maybe when you stepped into the brig you didn't plan on killing him, but you've been planning it since you were eight years old. It wasn't random."

With that, Locke left, just as suddenly as he'd arrived. Sawyer could only stare after him.

After a few minutes, he sat down again. He felt as though a huge weight was gone. Even though it had taken a long time to process, everything Locke had said made sense.

He felt relieved that someone other than Kate had understood. That someone other than her believed he could be good. It made it seem like it could be true.

He knew he'd still feel guilty about killing Sawyer. He'd probably never feel entirely guilt free again. But he realised now, he couldn't let it consume him. He had to accept it, and move on.

This would be his turning point. It wasn't like he'd planned, but he was going to make it happen. He had Kate. It was the start of a good life.

* * *

Following his discussion with Locke, Sawyer began to act more like himself again. It was slow going, but things were returning to normal.

With the normality came a sense of guilt about how he'd been acting, especially towards Kate. It occurred to him that he should have been paying more attention to her, rather than leaving her on her own, pregnant with his child.

So he apologised to her. It was an unusual event; they weren't in the habit of saying 'sorry' to one another. It had never really felt necessary before. This was different.

Kate, to her credit, didn't make a big deal out of his unusual act. Sawyer was glad about that. She simply accepted his apology and moved on.

Later, they sat side by side staring out at the ocean, enjoying each other's company. It was only then that Kate brought up the topic of why he'd been so distant.

"How are you coping with things?"

For once, Sawyer decided to answer her question honestly, first go.

"I'm dealing with it. Might take awhile. But it's getting better."

Sawyer could tell Kate was relieved by his answer.

"How are you coping?" he asked her.

"I'm scared." she replied simply, not looking at him. He waited a moment for her to elaborate. She didn't.

"Has Juliet said anything else?" he asked, not wanting to push her, but needing to find out more.

She looked at him. "She's taking me to the medical station tomorrow for an ultrasound."

Sawyer looked back at her, wondering if he should ask, or if she would offer. After a few seconds of uncertainty, Kate looked away. Sawyer took that as his answer.

"Can I come?" he asked, hoping she'd say yes.

To his relief, she did.

The next day, Sawyer found himself in a strange hatch, looking around at his surroundings while Kate and Juliet were getting ready for the ultrasound. Unsure of where Kate wanted him, he stood against a wall, out of the way.

Just before Juliet was about to begin, Kate suddenly turned her head, seeking him out.

"Are you coming?" she asked, looking at him curiously. Feeling awkward, he went over to her, opting to stand beside the bed she was lying on.

He had no idea what was going on. Juliet didn't offer any explanation about what she was doing or why she was doing it. Sawyer just watched her move the paddle across Kate's abdomen. Occasionally he glanced at Kate's face, trying to figure out what she was thinking. A couple of times he saw her grimace, and he wondered if it was hurting her.

After awhile, Juliet paused and pointed at the screen in front of them. "There it is," she said.

Sawyer peered at the screen. There was definitely something there. He could see it. A kind of small blob.

"It's still only small," Juliet continued. "But it looks good. Everything's going well so far."

Sawyer was barely listening to her. He kept staring at the image on the screen. It was hard to believe it was a baby, and that it was currently living and growing inside Kate. Tearing his eyes away from the screen, he glanced down at her to see how she was taking it all in.

She seemed unfazed by it all. Sawyer supposed she was a little more used to the idea than he was.

"It's a lot bigger than it was last time." Kate said, sounding somehow detached.

"Well, they grow pretty quickly." replied Juliet. "Last time we did an ultrasound it was about the size of a peanut." she added, looking at Sawyer, perhaps sensing that he wanted to be included. He stared at the image again, absorbing that new bit of information.

Juliet turned off the machine. Sawyer watched the image disappear from the screen. He couldn't get it out of his mind, though. Even as they cleared up and headed back to camp his mind kept drifting back to that little image.

A few short weeks late, Kate and Sawyer sat outside their tent, arguing. No one passing them paid any attention; it was a fairly common occurrence. They seemed to love nothing more than to debate things, teasing each other over their opinions, refusing to see the other's point of view. Most of the time it was meaningless, a way to pass the time. Today, there was some substance behind the disagreement.

"Will you stop calling the baby Peanut?" Kate said, exasperated. Sawyer seemed offended at the thought.

"Why? There's nothing wrong with the name." he replied, smirking, knowing it would stir her up even more.

"It's not a name, Sawyer. It's a food." Kate knew it was pointless arguing, but the name was really starting to annoy her.

"You heard what Juliet said. Right now, it's the size of a peanut. It makes sense to call it that."

"It is not! Were you even listening? You saw it, it was a lot bigger than a peanut then, and it'll be even bigger now. And in a few more weeks it'll be the size of a mango. Are you going to start calling it Mango then?" Sawyer seemed to consider the idea, causing Kate to instantly regret suggesting it.

"Sounds like a good idea to me, Freckles." he replied, teasing her. Kate rolled her eyes and turned away, attempting to hide her smile.

"Well, if you don't like Peanut, what else should we call it?" he asked.

Kate continued to stare at the ocean. It took her a few moments to answer. "It feels strange calling it anything. It doesn't feel real." she said wistfully. "I've seen the ultrasounds; I've had all the check ups with Juliet, all the questions and information, but I still can't wrap my head around the idea that there's something living inside me."

"Not something, Freckles, someone. A little human being called Peanut."

Kate shook her head, trying to hide a smile. "We're not calling it Peanut."

Sawyer grinned; glad she'd taken the bait and relaxed a little. "Not even until we think of something else?"

Kate glared at him. "Not even - " she broke off suddenly, frowning. Putting a hand on her belly, she seemed to be concentrating on something.

Sawyer was instantly alarmed. "What? What is it?" he said anxiously, ready to run for help if he had to.

"It's nothing. It's just... I can feel it moving." she said, sounding amazed.

"Are you sure?" Sawyer asked, wanting to be certain nothing was wrong.

"Yeah. I'm okay," she added, seeing his worry. "I just can't believe it." She looked at Sawyer, her expression a mixture of fear and excitement.

Sawyer smiled and moved to sit beside her. Reaching an arm around her shoulders, he pulled her close to him while placing his free hand on her stomach, gently rubbing small circles. She leaned against him silently, lost in her wonder.

"Does it feel real now?" Sawyer asked quietly. Kate nodded in response, still staring vaguely off into the distance.

"So, what do you think about the name Peanut?" he asked. The slap on the arm he received as an answer came as no surprise.

_tbc._

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	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3._

The sun rose, casting an annoying ray of light through a small hole in the tarp of Kate and Sawyer's tent. The disruption of darkness caused the pair to awaken instantly, although both tried to fight it.

Sawyer was the first to give up. Glancing over at Kate, who still had her eyes shut stubbornly against the dawning day, he smiled. He never got tired of watching her.

Perhaps sensing his attention, Kate finally opened her eyes.

"Morning, Freckles," Sawyer said, looking amused at something. Kate decided to ignore the look, whatever it was.

"Morning," she said, yawning.

"And how's Peanut this morning?" Sawyer asked. He always asked her this question; Kate figured it was for the sheer pleasure of annoying her with the nickname.

She rolled her eyes, deciding it was her turn to tease him. "It's awake," she said simply. She waited for Sawyer's response.

It took a couple of seconds, but she got what she was expecting. "Aren't you going to tell me not to call it Peanut?" he asked, sounding slightly disappointed.

She grinned. "I don't see the point. You're just going to keep calling it that anyway, aren't you?"

Sawyer's disappointment started to show a little more. "So you're not going to fight me about it anymore?"

"Nope," answered Kate, grinning even more. She knew she was winning today, whatever the battle was.

"Where's the fun in that?" Sawyer asked. As Kate started to laugh, he grabbed her, pulling her on top of him and holding her there. He'd known what she was doing all along, Kate figured, but it had still been fun.

Their playful bantering was quickly halted by an anguished scream coming from outside the tent. Suddenly terrified, they stayed perfectly still, wanting to know what they would be walking into when they left the tent.

The scream gave way to heart-wrenching sobbing. It was drawing closer to their tent. They sat up, holding onto each other protectively. Before long, they heard distinct voices, words being formed.

"It's okay, Juliet. It's going to be okay." Jack, trying to comfort the distraught woman.

"We were so close! I thought I had it this time!" Juliet. Sawyer felt his whole body chill. A glance at Kate told him she was feeling the same.

"You did your best. Everyone knows that."

"It wasn't enough, though, was it? She's dead! I said I could help her."

"You did help her, okay? You know that."

"What about Kate? I was so sure I had it figured out with Sun, and I was wrong. I don't know if I have enough time now to..." she gave way to sobs once more. Through a small gap in the tarp, Sawyer watched as Jack held Juliet, supporting her, before leading her away.

He glanced down at Kate, now wrapped in his arms, clinging to him tightly. Her face was pale and set, her eyes unseeing. He knew he must have looked little different.

"Sun's dead," she said quietly, a slight trace of panic evident in her voice. He couldn't answer her. As she looked up at him, he saw she was thinking the same thing as him. It was real now.

Later that day, still in shock, Kate and Sawyer went to talk to Juliet. As much as they would have liked to forget what had happened, and ignore what would happen, they needed answers.

They found her sitting on the beach alone, staring out at sea. She was crying still, looking utterly defeated, although when she saw them approaching she attempted to compose herself. A slightly professional look appeared on her face. In a way, it was almost more painful for Kate to see than the look of despair.

"I'm still going to try to help you," Juliet said, sounding determined, the moment Kate and Sawyer were beside her. They said nothing. Juliet continued.

"It's possible that you conceived on the other island. It's different there; it might make a difference. And rescue is coming. Getting off the island might help, if... if it gets here in time." She broke down crying again.

Kate sat down on the sand next to her, wanting to comfort her, but feeling too terrified for her own fate, not to mention grief for the loss of her friend, to manage much sympathy for someone else. Juliet seemed to appreciate the gesture all the same.

"How did it happen?" Sawyer asked, remaining on his feet, his voice sounding strangely tight.

"Sawyer..." Kate said, shaking her head slightly. He ignored her.

"How did she die?" he asked again, forcefully.

Juliet looked up at him regretfully. It was obvious why he was asking. "She bled out," she said softly.

"Was it quick?" Sawyer asked, trying hard to keep his emotions in check.

"No." Juliet responded. Kate gave a slightly strangled cry. Still ignoring her, Sawyer asked one more question.

"Did she feel it?"

Juliet didn't answer. She glanced at Kate, who was staring down at the sand, avoiding everyone's eyes.

"Was she in pain?" Sawyer tried again, though it was obviously difficult for him to ask.

Juliet could only nod in response, before the tears started to fall again. Sawyer stared at Kate, looking as though he'd never seen her before. Then he stormed off without another word.

Kate sat in shock. That was how she was going to die, scared and in agony. She felt Juliet staring at her. She avoided her eyes. She didn't want to see the pity, the fear, the _acceptance_ of her fate that she knew would be staring at her. She knew Juliet had said she'd help, but today had proved there was really nothing she could do.

"I really thought it would be different this time," Juliet said suddenly, startling Kate.

"What?" Kate asked, confused.

"Sun made it further than anyone else has. I thought there was a chance." Juliet paused, furiously wiping away tears, trying, still, to maintain her composure.

"She's the tenth woman I've had to watch die. I'm so tired of seeing death. I want to see life again. I want to deliver a live baby and see the look on a mother's face as she sees her child for the first time. That's what my job is supposed to be about. Making miracles happen."

Kate considered that. It suddenly struck her how different things were turning out to be. Nothing here was the way it was supposed to be. Where there was supposed to be life, there was death. And where life was never wanted, it was there, fighting to exist.

"I never even wanted kids. I always thought I'd be a horrible mother. Even when I found out I was pregnant, I tried to forget it was happening. It didn't feel real. And then this happens, and I _want_ this baby. I want to live; I want the baby to live. And it's just hit me that it isn't going to happen." She was crying now, too.

Juliet suddenly moved closer. Kate rested her head on her shoulder, sobbing. Juliet cried with her, the two women leaning against one another, sharing whatever comfort they could muster.

* * *

After leaving Kate and Juliet, Sawyer disappeared into the jungle. He'd just found out how Kate was going to die. He kept imagining it, her blood, and her screams. In a way, he wished he could stop thinking about it. At the same time, he wanted to be prepared. Maybe it would make it easier when it actually happened.

He wanted to be alone with his thoughts. He figured he deserved that. Until he stumbled across Jin sitting alone in the jungle. He'd never seen anyone looking so lost and defeated.

He wanted to do something. He knew he should. He had no idea what. What do you say to someone whose wife just died? Especially considering that person won't understand what you're saying anyway.

He looked at Jin, and he saw his future. That would be him in a few months time. He knew nothing anyone said to him would be able to help.

So he didn't say anything. He went and sat beside Jin, not looking at him, staying completely silent. They stayed that way for hours, until Jin finally stood. Looking at Sawyer gratefully, Jin nodded, and left. Sawyer waited a few minutes, then followed.

Juliet vanished a week later.

No one at the camp saw it happen. Jack was frantic. Ben, long held their prisoner, had also disappeared. It was easy for everyone to imagine what had happened, but no one dared to say anything to their leader.

Not that it mattered. Rousseau confirmed everyone's fears and suspicions a few hours after the fact. Arriving at the camp, she spoke only to Jack, although everyone else stood around listening, watching. Kate and Sawyer were among the group. They stood silently, picturing the scenario Rousseau was describing.

Ben, running through the jungle. Juliet beside him, struggling to free herself. She was his prisoner. From what Rousseau said, Ben had managed to subdue her somehow (most likely drugs, hypothesised Jack, but who knew where he got them?). She wasn't at her full strength. Otherwise, she could have easily overpowered him.

As soon as it was clear that Rousseau had told them everything, Kate and Sawyer slipped away from the group, back to the sanctuary of their tent.

"Do you think she's alright?" asked Kate in a hushed voice the moment they were alone.

Sawyer didn't look optimistic, his face reflecting all the fears Kate was currently feeling. "She betrayed them. I don't know if she was one of us, but she's not one of them. And you know what they're capable of," he replied, sounding genuinely worried.

"Jack said they were willing to kill her once before," Kate suddenly remembered, a chill washing over her.

"What about Ben?" Sawyer said, changing the subject. "Why did he wait til now to run for it? And why did he take Juliet with him?"

"It doesn't make sense. He's been gone for so long, and from what we've heard a lot of people over there have wanted to get rid of him. Does he really think they'll just accept him back, same as before?" countered Kate.

They fell into silence. Neither was willing to ask the question that was really bothering them. What would happen to Kate now her doctor had disappeared? So instead they acted as though all their concern was for their friend. It was easier that way.

* * *

Kate and Sawyer were barely beginning to recover from the shock of Sun's death and Juliet's disappearance when another life-changing situation presented itself.

A ship, clearly visible on the horizon. Rescue had finally arrived.

While everyone else was running around the beach celebrating, Kate and Sawyer lay together in their tent. They couldn't bring themselves to see the good news in this event.

"They're going to arrest me," Kate said quietly, a lone tear making its way down her face. Sawyer didn't answer. There was nothing to say. He held her hand tightly, not wanting to let her go.

"What should we do?" she asked him, pleading for a solution. "Rose and Bernard are gone. I heard them; they're not leaving the island. Maybe I could stay too."

"No," said Sawyer, his firm tone surprising Kate.

"You know what Juliet said. You'll die if you stay here. Getting off the island might be your only chance. You have to get on that boat."

Kate stared at him, stunned. "They'll put me in prison. I'll never be free again," she said, trying to make him understand.

"At least you'll be alive."

"Will I want to be?" she countered, tears flowing thick and fast. Sawyer pulled her to him, holding her close, wishing it were enough.

"You have to do this. Give yourself a chance. Give the baby a chance. Hell, do it for Peanut if nothing else."

"Don't call it Peanut." It came out muffled against his shirt.

"Please, Kate," he begged.

It took her a long time to answer. Eventually she raised her head from his chest and nodded wearily.

Silently thanking her, Sawyer pulled her in for a kiss.

_tbc._


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4._

Everything was happening as though it was in a dream. Time no longer made sense, it drifted meaninglessly, speeding up then slowing down. Kate was in another world, unable to connect to anyone around her. Everything was distorted. It was eerie, though she was slightly glad for it. As long as it felt like some horrible nightmare, she could delude herself into thinking she would wake up.

She barely heard the celebrations of her friends when a helicopter landed on the beach. She felt nothing as she was shuttled aboard. As she was flown over the ocean, back to the longed-for ship, she stared wistfully back at the island, her paradise. Only Sawyer's presence by her side kept her tethered to reality. She had the sense that if he was to leave her, she'd float away into nothingness. With that thought, she felt an urge to laugh. She held it in, wanting to keep it to herself. It was her secret; her only weapon for what she knew was to come. They couldn't hold her while she felt like this. No one could.

As they neared the ship, dread started to creep in again. She knew there'd be someone waiting for her. Another marshal, ready to put her back in chains. It would be as though nothing had happened these past months. She'd be back where she was, only instead of a plane she'd be bound aboard a ship. But she'd done the right thing. It was her mantra, her prayer. Those words, the syllables strung together with even tone and steady pacing were the beats of her metronome. They steadied her.

The helicopter landed. Sawyer was still with her as they stepped onto the ship, their portal back to the world. Then he was gone.

A stranger had taken his place. She felt the usual motions. Her hands going behind her back. The cuffs on her wrists. The words she'd heard before. She ignored all of it. She focussed on everyone else. They stared at her, and she stared back.

What were they thinking? Would they worry about her? Would they fight for her? From their expressions, she wasn't getting that impression. She didn't know what they were thinking.

She felt exposed. She hadn't expected that. They already knew she was a criminal. They'd known for a long time. Yet they were looking at her just as they had on the day Sawyer had outed her, as though no time had passed.

Sawyer. He was staring at her too. She avoided his eyes. This ship, this situation, changed everything. No one was who there had been only minutes ago. She was a criminal again. Everyone else had a higher moral standing again. They were able to look down on her again. And Sawyer would go back to who he had been, too. He would leave her and not look back. Everyone would leave her.

As she was led away from the people she had considered her friends, she finally started to wake up. The nightmare was her reality. She was alone.

* * *

Her body craved rest, but her mind refused to yield. She kept seeing their faces. She'd never felt so betrayed. After all this time, after everything they'd been through together, she'd expected sympathy. Caring. Worry. Anything but the staring accusations, the silent wondering, the disbelief that they'd actually lived alongside a monster for so long.

She couldn't help thinking about how unfair it all was. She didn't deserve this. She'd already served her sentence, what more did they want from her? Surely if the punishment came before the crime, then the crime couldn't be considered legitimate.

He was still ruining her life, from far beyond the grave. Because of him, she'd been forced to live the last few years of her life on the run. Because of him she'd been unable to form attachments, just in case those people figured out who she was. Because of him, she wasn't with her mother when she died. And because of him, she would spend the rest of her life in prison.

Now he'd ruined two more lives. Sawyer's, and their child's. Her stomach was in knots as she imagined their future together, a future she could have no part of. She couldn't go to jail. It would kill her. If the baby survived, if by some miracle she survived this pregnancy, she would run. It was the only option for her. She couldn't leave her fate in the hands of others.

At that moment, alone with only her unborn child for company, it was the hardest decision Kate had ever made. She felt the baby move inside her, as though objecting to her plan. Yet Kate was resolved. Silently apologising, she felt it would be the best for all of them.

Once the baby was born (she tried very hard not to think 'if'), she would leave. She wouldn't tell Sawyer yet. For now, it was best if he didn't know.

* * *

Sawyer sat alone, cradling his drink. Following his forced separation from Kate he'd blindly followed his fellow castaways to this area. Evidently, the ship's crew had decided a celebration was in order. He wanted no part of it.

Kate had considered these people her friends. Yet here they were, drinking and laughing, not sparing a single thought for her misery. Or his. He was glad they weren't paying attention to him, though. He didn't want their pity. He didn't want to have to focus any energy on what they were saying or thinking. He had to focus on Kate.

She'd been so distant. He doubted she'd even remember anything about this moment. Nothing good, anyway. It would just be another journey to another prison.

He knew she was thinking of running again. The idea was ingrained in her. Sometimes he wondered if she ever considered alternatives. If she ever realised there was a choice.

Then again, it was usually a choice between imprisonment and some degree of freedom. The alternative to being on the run was being in prison. He knew how that felt, and he found he couldn't blame her for what she'd done.

This time though, she'd be running from him as well. He'd never thought of himself as much, but for some reason he'd hoped that Kate considered him to be worth staying for.

He hoped she wouldn't leave too soon, too suddenly. He wanted a chance to change her mind.

Glancing around the room again, he suddenly grew annoyed at the people surrounding him. He hated the way they'd all stared at her. He thought of her reaction to them, and hated them even more. They'd made a bad situation so much worse. He'd thought maybe Jack would have done something. He'd expected it, he realised grudgingly. But Jack had been too caught up in his own problems to help someone else.

Sun would have done something. At that thought, Sawyer glanced over at Jin. He was sitting on his own, just like Sawyer, looking as miserable as he felt. Sawyer watched for a moment, then turned away. He was determined to focus on Kate, and Kate alone.

He hoped she was holding on. He hoped she was okay, that the baby was okay. The stress of the situation couldn't be good for them. He wished he could be with her. He hated the thought of her being alone, with nothing to distract her.

He wondered if he'd done the right thing, convincing her to leave the island. He'd thought he had, but her look on her face... He felt like he'd single-handedly delivered her into her worst nightmare.

She was better off alive, he remaindered himself. No matter what the conditions, life had to be better than death. He needed her alive, he thought selfishly. She was the only person who understood him. Hopefully, she'd realise she could have a life with him. They still had a chance, however small.

Nothing in life was certain. They both knew that better than anyone else. They couldn't be certain that she'd go to jail. He couldn't be certain that she'd run. Even her death was no longer a certainty. Juliet had said that her chances would be better if she left the island. It was possible that things would turn out okay for them. It was a glimmer of hope.

With the thought of Juliet came a sudden surge of sympathy for Jack. At least he knew where Kate was, and that she was alive. He couldn't imagine what the other man must be feeling.

Just as Sawyer was thinking he could sit and wallow in his thoughts forever, Hurley appeared beside him. He ignored him, hoping he'd leave. He didn't.

"She's gonna be okay, man," Hurley said.

Even though it was what Sawyer wanted to believe, he hated that someone could say it so flippantly.

"What would you know?" he snapped. Hurley didn't seem bothered by the tone.

"I know what she did. And I'm gonna help her," he replied, piquing Sawyer's interest.

"And how exactly are you gonna do that?"

Hurley fidgeted for a minute in response, intriguing Sawyer. He'd never considered Hurley to have some deep, dark secret. Not seriously, anyway.

"I'm... kinda rich," he said slowly, avoiding Sawyer's eyes. "I'm gonna get her a lawyer, help her fight this thing."

"What makes you think she'll accept your money?" Sawyer scoffed.

"You'll have to help me convince her," Hurley replied, seriously.

"Why would we need your money, anyway? Everyone's talking about some kind of settlement from Oceanic."

"This could go on for awhile. It could be ages before we see any kind of payout. And Kate's gonna need a lawyer straight away. Not to mention how long her court case will go for, with all the appeals. You don't want to end up bankrupt before it's over." Hurley smiled. "The kid's gonna need a roof over its head. Then there's the cost of school and health insurance and..."

"Okay, I get your point," Sawyer interrupted him, irritably. Why hadn't he thought of any of this stuff? Why was Hurley better prepared for their child's future than he was?

He stalled, not wanting to accept the man's offer. He didn't want to be indebted to him. It was his responsibility to take care of his family, after all.

"Why do you want to do this so bad? Don't you have better things to spend your money on? Hell, I'm sure I could think of a few things," he said, aiming for a casual tone.

"Kate's my friend. I want to help her. And dude, you gotta admit, she needs all the help she can get."

Sawyer sighed, the truth of that statement stinging a little more than he would have liked. Finally, he looked Hurley in the eye.

"Okay. How are we going to do this?"

_tbc._


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter 5._

A minute ago, she'd been exhausted. She'd felt like if someone gave her the option of sleeping for a hundred years, she'd take it. She'd been in the worst pain in her life; more excruciating than she'd ever imagined possible.

Not anymore. Now her mind was flooded by a huge sense of accomplishment, and she felt nothing more than an overwhelming desire to finally see her newborn baby. She'd been waiting so long to meet her, and now that she was here she didn't think she could wait a second longer.

She was aware of Sawyer moving beside her, but she didn't pay him any attention. She didn't have to look at him to know that he had a grin on his face to match hers, or that he had tears in his eyes like she did. The baby was here, she was crying, and she needed Kate, and that was all that mattered.

After what seemed like an eternity, the infant was placed in her mother's arms. Kate didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and so ended up doing a bit of both. Sawyer had an arm around her instantly, looking over her shoulder to see their baby girl. In that second, the euphoria of the previous moments passed, replaced by an almost surreal sense of belonging, of tranquillity.

"Oh," Kate sighed, feeling so overwhelmed she could barely breathe. She stared at her daughter, tracing her nose and her chin with one hand, stroking the downy hair on her head. She was perfect.

"What do you think, Freckles?" Sawyer said softly, the room having become quiet. Kate tore her eyes away from her baby for a moment and glanced up at him. She'd never seen him look the way he did now. He seemed utterly astonished. Glancing back down, she examined the baby for a moment, considering his question.

"She's so beautiful," she said, barely able to believe this was happening. Sawyer smiled proudly, obviously, though silently, agreeing.

After several more minutes of quiet adoration, Kate noticed Sawyer's hand was hovering near the baby, though he hadn't made any move to touch her yet. She looked up at him again, seeing slight trepidation on his face.

"What's wrong?" she asked, frowning.

"Nothing," he replied, unconvincingly. Seeing Kate's look, he spoke again.

"She's so tiny."

Realisation dawned on Kate. Smiling at Sawyer once more, she said, "You can touch her, you know. She won't break."

She thought Sawyer wasn't quite so sure of that; nevertheless, after a few more moments he tentatively stroked his daughter's hand. Her fingers uncurled at the contact, wrapping around Sawyer's much larger one. Kate watched his reaction closely, and decided that this was what it looked like when someone was in the process of falling head over heels in love. From that moment, she knew he'd never be able to deny his little girl anything.

"Do you want to hold her?" she asked, already knowing what the answer was. He nodded, unable to speak. Very slowly and with great care, the baby was transferred from her mother's arms to her father's. Kate lay back against her pillows, watching the two most important people in her life, thinking she wanted to freeze the image and hold onto it forever.

She'd never been happier.

* * *

It wasn't long before visitors began arriving to greet the new baby. Hurley was the first, surprising no one. He'd been a regular visitor to the Ford-Austen household ever since the recue, and had become a close friend of the family.

He burst through the door, barely containing his glee, carrying bunches of balloons and flowers and a teddy bear, all of enormous proportions. Sawyer had never been so happy to see him. He'd been looking forward to showing of his daughter for the last few hours, and he was thrilled that the moment had finally arrived. One look at Kate confirmed she was thinking the same thing.

"Congratulations!" Hurley whispered loudly, his eyes quickly seeking out the baby in Kate's arms.

"She's awake, you don't have to whisper," Sawyer said, obviously appreciating the gesture nonetheless.

"What did you do, buy out the gift store?" asked Kate in amazement as Hurley moved closer to her, attempting to deposit his many gifts on the bed side table.

"I wanted to get her a present," Hurley replied, shrugging.

Sawyer picked up the bear, examining it closely. Hurley noticed.

"There's no price tag on it, so don't bother looking," Sawyer pretended to ignore Hurley's accusation.

"It's about ten times her size. The thing'll probably give her nightmares. She'll be terrified of bears her whole life," he said in horror, clearly imagining the worst possible impact anything could have on his little girl. He glanced over at Kate to see if she shared in his fear.

With one look, he ascertained that she thought he was being slightly over protective, and that he should try harder not to hurt Hurley's feelings. He sighed.

"At least it's not a polar bear," he conceded.

"Thank you Hurley," interrupted Kate, shooting a glare at Sawyer. "I'm sure she'll love it."

"I know it's a little big," admitted Hurley. "I got her a couple of smaller ones too, to play with until she's big enough for that one. And some books, and some of those cds for babies. They're meant to stimulate the brain or something, I don't know. Oh, and -"

"Hurley, that's really sweet, but you don't have to buy all that stuff," Kate interrupted again. "You already bought us a house, even though we told you we didn't need you to."

Hurley sighed. "Look guys, we've been over this. I bought the house before we knew how much the Oceanic settlement would be worth. I don't want you to pay me back, because I don't need the money. And now you don't have to worry about bail and lawyers' fees and college for the baby and insurance and all that stuff."

"We would have managed on our own," said Sawyer defensively.

"Well, now you don't have to worry about it. And I told you I want to do good things with my money. I want to help people," Hurley continued. Sawyer couldn't argue that point. Hurley certainly had put a lot of his fortune into helping people since he'd gotten back, friends and family as well as strangers. What he and Kate appreciated the most was that he never made it feel like charity. He was simply a person who insisted on regularly buying people very expensive gifts.

"And if you're worried about me spoiling the baby or playing favourites or whatever, don't okay? I bought Aaron this awesome train set the other day that he can actually ride around in." Hurley finished.

Kate and Sawyer realised there was no point trying to argue with him. "Alright, just don't go overboard, okay? We don't want her growing up thinking Uncle Hurley is only around to give her everything she wants," Kate said.

Hurley seemed a little stunned. "Uncle Hurley?" he repeated.

Kate grinned at his reaction. Sawyer just scoffed. "Well, it's not like she's got any real uncles."

Hurley responded by crushing Sawyer in a bear hug. After releasing him, he turned to Kate, giving her a much gentler hug.

"Do you want to hold her?" asked Kate once he'd let her go. Hurley just nodded, apparently having momentarily lost his ability to speak. His voice quickly came back once the baby had been settled in his arms.

"Hey there, kid. I'm your Uncle Hurley. Do you have a real name now, or do I have to keep calling you Peanut?"

Sawyer and Kate glanced at one anther. After a moment, Sawyer spoke. "We haven't decided on a name yet," he said carefully, settling himself on the bed beside Kate.

Hurley saw right through his words. "You mean you haven't been able to agree on a name yet," he stated slyly, know very well how many arguments this topic had sparked over the last few months.

Neither answered him.

"That okay. Peanut's a cute nickname for a cute little girl," Hurley cooed to the baby. Sawyer instantly puffed up with pride at the compliment.

"She's gorgeous, isn't she? Six pounds twelve ounces, 20 inches of perfection. And she's gonna be beautiful when she grows up. She's gonna look just like her momma."

"What if she looks like you?" said Kate

"She won't, she's gonna look like you. She's already got your nose." Sawyer replied as though it was obvious.

"No she doesn't, she's got your nose," Kate insisted. Sawyer didn't see it, and was about to deny it, but stopped himself. She'd just given birth, after all. He figured she deserved to win all their arguments for a couple of years at least after that effort.

"Hmm, I suppose you're right," he agreed. Kate looked at him suspiciously, but didn't say anything. He realised she probably knew what he was thinking, and it wouldn't be long before she made things go back to the way they were.

"So, was everything...okay? You know, with the birth?" Hurley asked tentatively.

"Everything was fine," replied Kate. Hurley looked like he didn't quite believe her, so she elaborated. "It wasn't exactly fun, but there were no dramas."

"Kate was amazing," added Sawyer, putting an arm around her, his pride taking over his features once more. She smiled and leaned against him, yawning. Both men noticed.

"I guess I should leave you guys to it," Hurley said, handing the baby to Sawyer. With one last hug for Kate, Hurley went on his way, leaving the family on their own once more.

* * *

Not long after Hurley left, Kate fell asleep. Sawyer now had the baby all to himself for awhile, and he decided to use those precious moments wisely.

Lifting the baby out of her crib, he settled into a chair with her. He stared at her, trying to figure out who she was. Who did she look like? What would she be like when she was older? What name should they give her?

No matter what Kate had said to the contrary, he was convinced the baby had her nose. He imagined it would be covered in freckles one day. There was nothing else about her that Sawyer felt he could attribute to either Kate or himself. Maybe she'd turn out to be a perfect blend of the two.

Personality-wise, he had a feeling this little angel would grow up to have a devilish streak in her. He hoped she would. He had a feeling he'd eventually grow to regret that wish one day, but for now he saw nothing wrong with a bit of mischief, a little rebellion here and there.

He had no idea about what to name her. He hoped Kate had some ideas, because he could only think of her as Peanut. And he had a feeling that wouldn't go down too well as an "official" name.

"What are we going to call you, Peanut?" he asked the newborn quietly. She moved at the sound of his voice, turning towards him. It seemed to him that she recognized the nickname. The feelings that grew in him at the motion overwhelmed him.

He thought back to those months on the island, back to when he'd first found out Kate was pregnant. It seemed so long ago now. He was a different person.

All his doubts were gone. He'd thought he'd be a bad father. He'd thought he didn't deserve anything good. He'd thought he'd screw everything up. He'd thought Kate and the baby would be better off without him.

He couldn't believe he'd ever thought that way. Looking down at the baby in his arms, he realised he never wanted to leave her. He couldn't imagine not watching her grow up. He hated the very thought of the idea that someone other than him could raise her. It was his job. No one else could do it.

He wasn't going to be a bad father. All he had to do was love his daughter, and she'd think he was the best dad in the world. It wouldn't be hard for him to do.

He felt almost giddy at the thought of the future.

Just as he was settling back in his chair to gaze in adoration at the baby some more, a knock sounded behind him. He turned toward the door quickly, annoyed, not wanting this visitor to wake Kate or the baby. He was startled by what he saw.

Jack. Only he didn't look the way Sawyer remembered him. He looked incredibly tired, like he hadn't slept since their rescue. His eyes were flitting around the room shiftily, never resting on one spot for too long. As he entered the room and drew closer to Sawyer, he detected the unmistakeable scent of alcohol.

Sawyer stood, feeling somewhat awkward, holding his daughter close. He didn't want Jack near her in this state. He was staring at the baby, the look in his eyes making Sawyer uncomfortable.

"I can't wait to tell Juliet about this."

The first words he'd heard from Jack in months, and they were extremely disconcerting. Maybe it was simply his protective streak shining through, but all of a sudden he wanted Jack as far away from Kate and his daughter as possible.

He placed the baby back in her crib, and with a quick glance to ensure Kate was still sleeping, he moved towards the door, hoping Jack would move with him. He did, though he stopped before leaving the room altogether. Still, it was better than nothing.

"What are you doing here, Jack?" Sawyer asked, hoping he didn't sound too threatening. Whether he was or not, Jack didn't seem to notice.

"Hurley called. Congratulations, man. I just wanted to come and see how Kate was doing, meet the baby."

"They're sleeping. Maybe you should come back another time. I don't want to disturb them," Sawyer said, wishing Jack would take the hint and leave. The slight slurring of his words was doing nothing to reassure him of Jack's currant mental state.

Jack ignored Sawyer, moving further into the room again. Sawyer grabbed him before he got too far.

"Are you drunk?" he asked, deciding he couldn't ignore the topic any longer.

"No!" replied Jack, laughing and shaking his head as though the very idea was ludicrous. Sawyer stared at him. Maybe Jack noticed that he didn't believe him, as he amended his statement.

"All right, I had a couple of drinks. I wanted to celebrate! A new baby, what better excuse?" he said, still chuckling.

With that, Sawyer advanced upon him, forcing Jack back towards the door. Once out in the hallway, he spoke to Jack quietly, barely keeping his anger in check.

"Don't you ever come back here in this state again. You hear me? I'm not gonna let you anywhere near my daughter until I know you're sober."

Not waiting to see Jack's reaction, Sawyer headed back in the room. He went over to the baby's crib and checked in on her, smiling when he saw she was still sleeping. Feeling his anger ebb away, he moved over to where Kate lay slumbering. He sat on the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms, revelling in the feel of her.

He tried to forget about Jack. He tried to ignore the obsessive look he'd had in his eyes as he glanced at the baby. The way he'd spoken of Juliet as though she wasn't being held captive somewhere in a place no one could find. The fact that the once respected doctor had turned up at a hospital drunk. He couldn't forget it. He was worried.

Just what he needed, he thought wryly. Something else to worry about. He decided not to tell Kate about their visitor. Not yet, anyway. She had enough problems without having to think about how Jack was doing.

Settling down with Kate in his arms, he tried not to think about anything but the present. He found it was an impossible task.

* * *

Kate was alone with the baby, Sawyer having finally gone home for awhile. She was enjoying having the baby to herself; to stare at her, marvel at her absolute perfection.

She couldn't believe she'd ever imagined things would be different. Already she was having a hard time remembering what life was like before all this. People had told her she'd eventually feel this way, but she'd had no idea it would hit so suddenly.

She'd actually thought there would be something wrong with the baby. Like those genes she was so sure had corrupted her very soul would be passed on to her daughter. That everyone would be able to see it. She'd been wrong.

It was simple genetics. The baby was perfect. She'd gotten everything she had from Kate and James. So that had to mean that there wasn't anything wrong with them, either. They were simply what their lives had made them. Their flaws weren't written into their DNA.

Kate's father had been a bad person. But that hadn't been passed on to her. Kate's basic reasoning, her deepest fear, her motivation for ending a life, was falling apart. It didn't make sense anymore.

Kate could feel a massive wave coming towards her; of guilt, of fear. She braced herself for the impact.

When it hit, she felt like she couldn't breathe. She gave herself over to her tears as sobs wracked her body.

Sawyer entered the room at that moment. He was by her side in an instant, trying to calm her down. She barely noticed his ministrations, simply feeling relieved that he was there to listen to what she needed to say. She couldn't hold it in any longer.

"I'm gonna go to jail. There's no way I'll be let off. I'm guilty. I did it. I don't even know why I did it anymore," she sobbed, letting her emotions break free. "I thought I was making things better, but it's worse. I'm gonna be sent away, and I deserve it, but the baby's going to grow up without me. I won't get to see her. And she'll hate me. God, she's only just been born and I've already ruined her life."

Sawyer didn't say anything while she rambled. Once it had appeared she'd said everything, however, he said what he could to lift her spirits.

"We'll figure it out. We'll figure something out. It'll be okay. Don't worry about it now." He knew it wasn't much, but her crying eased nonetheless. He continued. "And no matter what happens, she's not going to hate you. I'll make sure she doesn't."

"How are you going to do that?" Kate asked wearily.

Sawyer was stumped. "I don't know. I'll think of something. Just don't worry right now, okay?"

"Okay," whispered Kate, sounding exhausted. She let her eyes drift closed again, falling into an uneasy sleep. Sawyer sat watching over her, trying to think of what they would do next. He had no clue.

_tbc._


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks for the reviews! I don't think I've said it enough, but I really appreciate them.

* * *

Chapter 6.

It had only taken a few short weeks, barely even a month, but their lives as they knew them had been dismantled. Every thought and action now revolved around the screaming bundle of joy that was their baby daughter.

They'd expected sleepless nights, days where they questioned whether they had the slightest clue what they were doing. But they'd also expected it to pass. Everyone they'd spoken to said that as the days went by they'd get to know their child, they'd get to know what they were doing, and they'd gain confidence.

It hadn't happened yet. At least, Kate didn't think so. Sure, there'd been a few times when she thought she'd been able to figure out what the infant wanted quickly, given it to her, then settle her down again. A routine had almost developed, and although both parents were exhausted, life had seemed almost normal.

Then the crying picked up again. Nothing they did seemed to make a difference. Neither of them slept, both began to doubt themselves again. Kate thought the only thing keeping either of them sane was the fact that they had each other; to lean on, to moan to.

But after a few days of this chaos, this all changed. Sawyer started leaving the house more and more, disappearing for hours at a time. Kate often snapped at him upon return, reminding him that Peanut was his kid too, and how would he like it if she left him alone with the screaming for a few hours everyday?

It didn't make a difference. He kept leaving, and grew more distant. He barely spoke to her, and it seemed to Kate that he only spent time with their daughter to keep her off his back.

It scared the hell out of her. After all his promises to be there with her, to never leave them, he was doing this. She felt alone. She was barely sleeping, she was starting to think there might be something wrong with her baby, and she needed someone to comfort her. She needed someone to tell her it was normal, that things would get better. She needed him.

Kate was at her wit's end. She paced anxiously around the house, holding the once-again screaming child, hoping she'd calm down. She barely had the energy for it; she felt the only reason she was doing it was because she couldn't handle sitting and doing nothing while her daughter was so distressed. If she could, she'd sleep and just let the baby cry til she wore herself out.

The minute she thought that, she hated herself. Surely a mother shouldn't think that about her own child. A good mother would never think of her child as a burden.

It was the lack of sleep, she reasoned. It was driving her crazy. All she wanted was for someone to take the kid off her hands for a few hours so she could rest. Everything would be better after that; she'd be able to figure out what was going on with Sawyer, why her daughter wouldn't stop crying, she might even be able to catch up on some of the house work that needed doing. But she would never admit to anyone that she couldn't cope.

Finally, the screams died down. Barely able to believe it, Kate settled the baby back in her crib and too tired to do anything else, slid down to the floor beside her. Leaning against the crib, she closed her eyes. It wasn't the best place for a nap, but she didn't care. She'd take sleep wherever and whenever she could.

The silence was broken too soon by the sharp ringing of the telephone. Finding a burst of energy, Kate jumped up and ran to answer it before the ringing woke the baby again.

As she lifted the phone from its cradle, she leaned against the wall. Holding the phone against her chest for a moment she waited for the inevitable crying of a child disturbed, struggling to hold back her own tears of frustration and anxiety. Nothing came. After taking a few more moments to compose herself, she finally lifted the phone to her ear, hoping the person on the other end had gotten tired of waiting and simply hung up.

No such luck. However, Kate found herself glad to hear Claire's voice. Her broad accent always transported her back to the island and right now that was where she wanted to be.

More than anything, she was glad to have someone to talk to who actually understood what she was feeling.

After general chatter about their children (during which time Kate never mentioned the frustration she was feeling), Kate found herself asking how Claire was handling being back in the real world. She was enjoying feeling like her old self again and wanted it to last as long as it could. Experience told her that this topic, more than anything, was one that could have all the Oceanic survivors talking for hours.

"It's been weird since I got back," said Claire. "Thomas is still insisting he wants to be part of Aaron's life, and mine, but I can't help wondering if he's only doing it for the money. He's been around to see us a lot, and he's good with Aaron. But I'm so used to doing it on my own, you know? It's just so much easier that way."

And with that, finally, Kate burst into tears.

Claire was instantly alarmed. "Oh my God, what is it? Are you okay? What happened?"

It took Kate several minutes to calm down enough to speak coherently, but when she did, she finally spilled everything that had been bothering her.

"It's Sawyer. He's been so distant lately, and I don't know if it's because of me, or the baby, or something else. It's like he's never around, and the baby won't stop crying and I don't know what to do and I'm just so tired. I'm scared he's gonna leave. I don't think I can do this alone."

"He won't leave," responded Claire firmly. "You can't think that way. Everything's going to be fine. And I know how scary it is when the baby's crying and nothing you do helps, but it's normal. You're not doing anything wrong."

Kate couldn't help but believe her as she said all this. She was beginning to feel calmer than she had in awhile. Claire understood, so she listened to her.

"It'll get better, I promise. But in the meantime, you need to talk to Sawyer. There's probably a really simple explanation for what's happening with him, and he needs to know how you're feeling too."

"There's never any time to talk," commented Kate hopelessly. "The only time I can do anything is when the baby's asleep, and she never seems to want to do that, so all the other things I have to do have been building up and I don't think I'll ever get them done. I'm supposed to be talking to my lawyer, getting ready for my trial, but even when I am awake enough to be paying attention to what he's saying all I can think about is whether I forgot anything when I went grocery shopping or if I'll have time to do the laundry when I get home or some other thing."

"Again, you need to talk to Sawyer. And you should probably talk to Hurley as well; you know he'll help you out. He was great with Aaron. Why don't you see if he'll watch the baby for a couple of hours so you can get some sleep? You can't take care of her if you're not taking care of yourself."

The simple logic in Claire's statement was almost too much for Kate to handle. She struggled not to start crying again. Everything she said made so much sense.

"In fact," continued Claire, "I'm going to call Hurley myself and ask him to check in on you."

"Claire, you don't have to do that," Kate said wearily.

"Yes, I think I do. You can't do everything yourself, and I know you're too bloody proud to admit it half the time." Kate laughed at the definitive statement. This was the Claire she loved, and missed.

"Thank you," she said quietly. The serenity that had overtaken Kate disappeared with a loud cry from overhead. Quickly saying goodbye to Claire, she hurried up to her daughter's room, feeling anxious once more.

The closer Kate got to the wailing infant, the more her anxiety grew. By the time she reached her and lifted her into her arms, she felt like she could barely breathe. She sank into the armchair holding the baby close to her, trying to relax and willing her daughter to do the same.

Thankfully, this particular bout of crying didn't last as long as some previous episodes had, and the baby was soon asleep once more. Kate felt almost afraid to move, certain that if she did she'd break the spell and the crying would start again. At the same time, there were things to do, and she knew she couldn't sit there forever.

Slowly, carefully, she stood up and returned the baby to her crib. So far, so good. She tiptoed out of the room, gently closed the door behind her, and quietly made her way downstairs.

Near the bottom of the stairs she ran into Sawyer, and almost fell the rest of the way down. Luckily, he caught her, though the collision didn't occur silently and for a moment both froze, waiting to see if they'd disturbed the little sleeping beauty above them. Seconds passed without a sound. Feeling it was safe to move again, Sawyer helped Kate back to her feet. In return, Kate grabbed Sawyer's wrist and dragged him into the living room.

"Where have you been?" she asked accusingly.

"Nowhere," he answered, looking at the floor.

The answer infuriated Kate. "What the hell is going on with you?" she demanded to know.

Sawyer pulled away from her, moving over to the couch. Feeling sure this was his way of avoiding the question, Kate was surprised when he motioned for her to join him.

Once she was seated opposite him, he started talking.

"Today's the anniversary," he said. "The day my parents died," he added, seeing her confusion.

As realisation dawned on Kate, she was selfishly relieved. All the worry of the last few days, the fear, had been for nothing. She was so glad she was wrong.

Sawyer didn't seem to register her reaction. He continued talking, starring into the distance. What long vanished images he was seeing, Kate could only imagine.

"This is the first year I haven't gone to their graves. When I was a kid I used to go all the time. Then I became Sawyer. It... it didn't feel right anymore. I wasn't their son, I didn't belong there.

"For months I stayed away, and it didn't bother me. Their birthdays, my birthday, Christmas; none of it mattered. Then the anniversary came along, and I couldn't stay away. I tried to.

"Since then I've gone back every year. It's the one day a year when I'm James, not Sawyer."

"You thinking about him?" Kate asked softly, not wanting to push him.

He nodded. "I don't know what they'd think of me." He sounded lost and confused, struggling to make sense of things.

"I killed him. Would they understand why I did it? Would they hate me for it? Would they be glad it's over? I don't..." he trailed off, his eyes bright, looking anywhere but at Kate.

Kate reached over to touch his arm, wanting to draw him back to her. "They'd never hate you."

"How do you know?" he asked, sounding like he wanted to believe her, but couldn't.

"Could you ever hate your child?" she asked him, smiling. He shook his head, tension leaving his body. He leaned back against the couch, at ease now.

"My mom would have loved to have met Peanut," he said fondly. "She was always saying she wished she had a little girl. She used to say there were too many men in the house, that we needed to even it out. I'd always say I'd rather have a brother, just to annoy her."

Kate smiled at the image. "Did you mean it?" she asked.

Sawyer shrugged. "Sort of. I was the only kid on my street who was an only child. I was always jealous of the other kids. They always had someone to play with. I think I would have preferred a brother, but a sister would have been better than nothing."

Kate knew exactly how he felt. She'd always wished for a sibling, just so she wouldn't be alone when her parents were fighting.

"There were times when it was a bigger deal than usual," he mused. "I was about six I think, and she was asking me how I'd like having a baby sister. She was asking my opinion on names, and she was talking about going through my old baby things. They talked about moving house, too.

"It didn't mean anything to me at the time. I mean, they never came out and told me anything. And nothing happened. We stayed where we were, and eventually they stopped talking about babies."He paused. Kate was trying not to cry, having a pretty good idea where this was going.

"I don't know for sure what happened. And I don't really want to find out now. But I remember there was one day when I wondered what changed. I thought they'd changed their minds because I kept pretending I didn't want a sister. So I went to them, and I told my momma that if I had a sister, I'd call her Summer." His voice was tight now, choked with memories.

"My daddy stormed out of the house. My momma picked me up and sat me in her lap. She cried a lot. I didn't understand why. I thought it was something I'd done. None of us mentioned it again."

Kate moved over til she was sitting right beside him, craving his touch. He leaned against her. She was glad to be able to comfort him; so often lately it had been the other way around.

"You should go and see them," she murmured into his hair. "Don't wait for the next anniversary."

"Will you come with me?" he asked, hesitant.

"Of course," she reassured him.

Silence fell between them. Kate had almost drifted off to sleep when Sawyer spoke again.

"The baby asleep?" he asked.

"Yes," Kate mumbled in response. Quietness again. Again, Kate's eyes drifted closed. Sleep was so close.

A small nudge in the arm. "You asleep?"

Kate groaned loudly in frustration. She opened her eyes again just long enough to glare at Sawyer. As she closed them yet again, hoping that a sense of peacefulness would last long enough for her to get some rest, she felt Sawyer get up. She ignored him.

Her eyes snapped open in alarm as she felt herself being lifted off the couch.

"What are you doing?" she half-shrieked as Sawyer started to carry her towards the stairs.

"You're not sleeping on the couch. Now quit squirming! I don't wanna drop you."

Kate wrapped her arms tightly around Sawyer's neck and tried to relax. She didn't fully manage it until he'd lowered her gently onto their bed. She had to try not to laugh as he arranged pillows beneath her head and covered her lightly with a blanket. He didn't usually display this degree of caring.

Just as he was finishing his ministrations, a loud cry came from the other room. Kate sighed wearily and started to get up. Before she could move, however, Sawyer seized her shoulders, guiding her back down to the bed.

"I got her. Get some sleep."

Kate wanted to say something in response; a sarcastic comment as to why it was only _now_that he was concerned with the amount of sleep she was getting, or perhaps a heartfelt thanks delivered through much sobbing. She wasn't sure. But all she managed was a deep yawn before he left the room.

She felt a little anxious, lying there listening to her baby cry. She considered getting up and going to her, regardless of what Sawyer had said. But then the crying tapered off, and the feeling disappeared. The baby was alright.

Almost instantly then, Kate fell asleep.

_tbc._


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7.

The balloons were blown up, streamers were hung, and Kate and Sawyer were standing in the middle of their living room, hoping they hadn't forgotten anything important. This was their little girl's first birthday party and they wanted it to be perfect. Only problem was neither of them had the slightest clue what to do for a birthday party, having never had great parties of their own as kids. They'd spent weeks debating themes, buying gifts and organising invitations. In the end, they'd decided she wasn't going to remember the day anyway, so an afternoon with Hurley was planned, along with cake and a few simple decorations to provide the right atmosphere.

It hadn't been an easy decision to make. Kate's trial would begin in exactly one week. They accepted that this was likely to be the only birthday Kate would be around to celebrate, and for that reason Sawyer had wanted to throw an extravagant party for her benefit, regardless of what the birthday girl would take in.

However, Kate had managed to convince him that she wanted her daughter to herself on her birthday, as if one birthday of undivided attention would make up for all the ones she'd miss. And so, the small gathering was planned.

The day was, of course, marred by a few minor disagreements. When Sawyer brought out the cake he'd picked out, having made Kate promise not to look at it since bringing it home, Kate couldn't help voicing her opinion of the message displayed.

"'Happy Birthday, Peanut,'" she read. She looked at Sawyer as though she couldn't believe he'd actually chosen that. "I guess I should have known better than to let you get the cake."

Sawyer pretended to be wounded. "I thought you loved the 'Happy Birthday Freckles' cake I got you on your birthday."

Kate rolled her eyes, deciding there was no point in pursuing it. At that moment the doorbell rang, signalling Hurley's arrival.

"You get the door, I'll get Peanut ready," Kate directed Sawyer before heading upstairs, missing the salute Sawyer directed at her retreating back.

Arriving at the baby's room, Kate took a moment to stare at her daughter. She loved to watch her entertain herself, discover her world. She was different when she was alone. It was like she was offering a glimpse of who she'd become as she got older.

She didn't have time to watch today, though. She stepped into the room, grinning as the baby noticed her presence. By the time she reached the crib the girl was standing up, holding onto the bars for support, as she always did when she was ready to leave her crib.

"Hey, Poppet. Are you ready to party?" she said, tickling the girl a little before picking her up.

"No." Her most commonly spoken word.

"You're not? That's a shame. Daddy's downstairs waiting for us, and Uncle Hurley." She danced around the room a little, eliciting giggles from the toddler in her arms.

"Dad."

"Yes, Daddy. Can you say 'Mommy'?" she tried. Kate knew she could say it; she just never seemed to want to.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"No."

Kate planted a kiss on her baby's head, chuckling a little. She decided to take a bit of time to spend alone with her daughter, despite the fact that there were people waiting for them. She sat down in the armchair by the window, picking up the favourite teddy bear. Holding it just out of the baby's reach she started playing again.

"Do you want Teddy?" she asked, wiggling the bear around enticingly.

"No," came the reply, while chubby little arms reached for the bear. Kate continued to hold the bear at a teasing distance, making him dance around, until her daughter's face started to crumple. Feeling a little bad, she then danced the bear into the girl's waiting arms, turning her pout into a smile again. As the child promptly stuffed the bear's ear into her mouth, Kate pulled her close to her, wishing the moment would last forever.

Realising that if she stayed where she was for much longer Sawyer would come looking for her, she sighed, and got up. Quickly dressing the baby in her party clothes, she headed back downstairs.

"Happy birthday, Peanut!" Hurley yelled, taking her from Kate the minute she entered the living room. The baby giggled, always happy to see Hurley.

"Ha! Ha!" she said excitedly, pulling on Hurley's hair.

"Dude, did you hear that?" said Hurley to Kate and Sawyer, just as excited. "I think she's trying to say Hurley!"

Sawyer scoffed. "She's probably just laughing at you," Kate lightly hit him on the arm. It sounded to her like Peanut was saying Hurley's name as well.

"Aw, my little baby's growing up. I can't believe she's one already," She said, looking a little teary.

"Yeah, it's pretty amazing," agreed Sawyer, looking at his daughter fondly.

Hurley, seemingly aware that he was about to be caught up in a moment of emotional remembrance, set the baby on the floor in front of a giant stack of gifts. Sitting beside her, he started handing her the gifts one by one, trying to get her interested in all the new toys. Unfortunately for him, she was more interested in the brightly coloured wrapping paper. Giving up, Hurley went to join Kate and Sawyer.

Seated in various armchairs and couches around the room, the adults began to catch up. Hurley, as always, was their source of information regarding their fellow castaways, and every time Kate and Sawyer saw him he had something new to tell them.

"So, there are gifts over there from Claire, Sayid and Jin. I spoke to Claire last night, and she told me to tell you that she still wants to come and meet Peanut, and see you again. There's just the small problem of having to fly from Sydney to LA," Hurley reported.

Kate nodded, understanding. She missed Claire, but she couldn't blame her for not wanting to attempt that fateful journey again.

"Jin's been taking English lessons in Korea," Hurley continued. "It's really cool; we can almost have proper conversations now."

"Well, we'll have to give him a call then, won't we, Freckles?" said Sawyer, sounding impressed.

Apparently unsure of whether or not he was being sarcastic, Hurley ignored him and went on with his update. "Jack's not doing so good. He wants to get back to the island to rescue Juliet. He seems pretty sure that she's still alive."

"He's still saying that?" asked Sawyer, not sure he wanted to know the answer. At first they'd passed his remarks off as nothing, but if nothing had changed in the past year...

Hurley nodded in response. "He's been calling me a lot. He wants to get in touch with Desmond, and he knows I know where he is."

"Why does he want to talk to Desmond all of a sudden?" Kate wondered.

"Penny." Sawyer realised. As far as they knew, she'd done the more research than anyone in finding the location of the island, so if Jack wanted to talk to her, it meant that he was pretty serious about getting back. It wasn't a comforting thought.

"Have you heard from Michael lately?" asked Kate, hoping to change the subject. Hurley's expression darkened considerably.

"He's pretty messed up. Walt's being difficult I think. I dunno. Michael doesn't really say much. I know he's feeling guilty though, about Ana Lucia and Libby. He keeps asking me to forgive him."

Neither Kate nor Sawyer knew what to say to that. On the one hand, they too had been betrayed by Michael, and so it was hard for them to truly empathise with him. On the other hand, they knew the kind of guilt that accompanied the act of taking a human life. Hating Michael for what he'd done meant hating that part of themselves.

Usually, it was easier for them to ignore any thought of Michael that came into their heads. Kate now wished she'd chosen something else to talk about.

Luckily, at that moment the baby decided she'd had enough of the lack of attention being directed her way. Pulling herself to her feet using the coffee table for support, she looked over at her parents.

"Ma!" she called out.

Kate instantly stood up, and started to go over to her. Before she could move, however, Sawyer grabbed her arm.

"Just wait," he said. In that instant, Kate had noticed what he had. Still holding onto the table, the girl had started to take small, tottering steps in their direction. This in itself was nothing new; she'd been walking around holding onto things for a little while now, but she'd never walked unsupported before.

Kneeling down a little way away from the coffee table, Kate held out her arms.

"Come here, baby," She said encouragingly. The baby looked a little doubtful for a moment, before letting go of the table and walking, unsteadily, straight into her mother's arms. As Sawyer whooped triumphantly, Kate held her daughter close, trying to hide her tears. She was so proud, and so happy, and so relieved that she'd gotten to see this moment. At the same time, it felt like a kick in the gut. What other important moments would she miss out on as her little girl grew up?

"Did you get it?" asked Sawyer eagerly, confusing Kate. Looking up, she realised Hurley was holding a camcorder.

"Yep, I got it," Hurley confirmed.

Kate looked at him curiously. "How long have you had that here?" she asked, growing suspicious at the look that passed between him and Sawyer.

After a slight pause, Sawyer explained. "We're making a video. We've been filming you and Peanut in secret ever since she was born. So that if you do go to prison, I have something to show her, so she can see for herself how much you love her."

As tears welled in her eyes yet again, Kate felt like she'd never felt such affection for these two men as she did right now.

"Really?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

Sawyer looked a little embarrassed. "I told you I wouldn't let her hate you," he replied.

Putting the baby down, Kate released a sob before rushing into Sawyer arms. After a few long moments, she released him and hugged Hurley.

"How come I never noticed?" she asked, not understanding how she could have been being filmed for a whole year without knowing it.

"Dude, when you're with Peanut, you don't seem to see anything but Peanut," Hurley explained as though it was obvious. Which it was, now that she thought of it.

"By the way, that was really great with the bear in her room before," Sawyer added.

Kate laughed, a little embarrassed that she'd been being watched the whole time, but glad for it nonetheless.

"Keep the camera out, Hurley, it's time for cake," Sawyer announced.

"Don't you think it's a weird time for cake?" questioned Kate. "It's four thirty in the afternoon."

"It's not weird. I thought we'd cut the cake at the exact minute she was born," he explained. "And we've only got twelve minutes to get the candles on it and lit, so we have to move." Without waiting for a response (or perhaps to avoid an argument), he moved purposefully into the kitchen, Hurley following with the camera. Kate sighed, picked up the baby and went after them.

"Do you want some cake, Peanut?" she asked, already knowing what the answer would be.

"No."

* * *

After Hurley had left and the baby had gone to sleep, Kate and Sawyer began cleaning up the living room. They were mostly silent, until Kate brought up a topic that had been bothering her for awhile.

"Do you ever think about Juliet? I mean, before today?" she asked Sawyer.

"What do you mean?" he replied.

Kate shrugged, struggling to put her thoughts into words. "It's just, she wanted this so bad. She's seen so many pregnant women die, and she wanted a miracle. And she got it, but she's not here to see it. I keep thinking she should have been here today."

"Yeah," agreed Sawyer wistfully. He thought back to when they'd assumed Kate would die, how hopeless everything had seemed. She was right; Juliet deserved to know that her wish had come true.

"Do you think there's a chance she's still alive?" Kate asked.

Sawyer thought back to Jack's comment a year ago. He'd seemed so sure she was alive. Apparently, he still was. Was he crazy? Or was he just hanging onto what little thread of hope he had left?

"I hope she is," he finally responded.

"I want her to know about Peanut. I wish she could see her," Kate mused.

"Well, you know how much information they had on us. Maybe she does know," Sawyer said, deciding there was no harm in a little optimism.

"Yeah," Kate agreed.

Neither of them really believed it. Silence swept over them again.

Later, as they lay waiting for sleep to claim them, Kate voiced her thoughts into the darkness.

"Only a week to go," she whispered. Sawyer pulled her against him, spooning her. She was grateful for the contact, yet at the same time was relieved that her back was to him so he couldn't see her face.

"How are we going to survive this?" she asked, terrified. Sawyer's grip on her tightened, and she felt his lips press a kiss into the back of her neck.

"One day at a time," he murmured. Kate nodded, trying to gather herself together. One day at a time. She could do that.

_tbc._


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8.

The morning the trial was to begin, Kate and Sawyer woke up together, both desperately trying to forget, just for a moment, what day it was. Neither had slept well, the tension being too great.

Sawyer stared at Kate. Her back was to him and he had a feeling she was prolonging the moment before she had to face him. He let her. Whatever she needed to get through today, he was willing to give to her.

Minutes ticked past. Sawyer became aware of the fact that they had to get up, get ready. He reached over and put a hand on Kate's shoulder. With that contact, she rolled over and looked at him. Sawyer was shocked at how pale she was, but knew better than to mention it.

"You ready?" he asked, not knowing what else to say. She nodded tensely, obviously fighting to hold back her emotions.

"Why don't you go get the baby up while I make breakfast?" he suggested, sensing some time with her daughter might help. She nodded again. Unsure of what else to do, Sawyer leaned over and kissed her.

The kiss broke Kate out of her trance a little, and she finally managed a small smile. After a couple more moments of lying there, she sighed and got out of bed. Sawyer followed suit. They left the room together, separating when they reached their daughter's room. Leaving Kate, Sawyer continued down to the kitchen.

Time passed too quickly for Sawyer's liking. Before he knew it, breakfast was ready and Kate still hadn't come down. Deciding to see what was taking her so long, he headed back upstairs.

Reaching the baby's room, he glanced in. A slight sense of worry over took him when he saw that it was empty. Moving faster now, he approached his own room. What he saw almost broke his heart.

Kate, lying on the bed with the baby in her arms, silent tears streaming down her face. Perhaps sensing Sawyer's presence, she pulled the little girl closer to her, burying her face in an attempt to hide her tears. The baby looked up at Sawyer, and he thought that she seemed to share her mother's grief.

Moving over to them, Sawyer sat on the edge of the bed. He started rubbing Kate's back, willing her to calm down. Eventually her tears began to subside. She rolled onto her back, looking up at Sawyer. He stroked her cheeks, wiping away tears, before lifting the baby into his arms.

"It's still not too late to run, you know," he said to Kate seriously.

She shook her heading, sniffling. "I have to face it." She reached over to take the baby's hand, examining the lines on her palm. Not looking Sawyer in the face, she added, "I'm so scared I'll never see her again."

With a free arm, Sawyer pulled Kate into a hug, trying not to squash the baby between them. "However it turns out in the end, you're coming home tonight. Don't forget that. This is gonna take awhile, Freckles. Let's just take it one day at a time, okay?"

"Okay," she replied so softly he barely heard it.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you today?" he asked, hoping she'd changed her mind.

"I'm sure," she said firmly. "I don't want her left with strangers."

"Okay then. Let's go down and get some breakfast; we're running out of time. You need to get ready," he replied, determined to get her moving.

"I'm not hungry," she said, not surprising Sawyer.

"You need to eat. I'm not arguing with you today. Let's go." He started to get up, pulling her with him. She gave in. Together, they went down to face the day.

* * *

Kate sat in the courtroom, trying very hard to imagine she was somewhere, anywhere, else. She couldn't look around. She couldn't see the other people in the room. She couldn't hear them. This was the place she'd been avoiding. The place symbolised all her fears, her nightmare. It was her life coming to an end. She didn't want to be here.

She vaguely heard opening statements, charges being read out. Her mind flashed back to those moments, those events for which she was now being forced to answer to. She could smell gas, and fire. She'd once rejoiced in the smell. It had meant freedom. Only now did she realise the truth. It wasn't freedom, it was imprisonment. Physical, mental and emotional; the perfect trinity. She'd set her life alight that day. She'd destroyed her future.

Still lost in her memories, she felt herself being pulled to her feet. She could barely stand. This was it. There was no going back from here.

"Not guilty."

It was one of the most difficult moments of her life. She couldn't believe she was doing it. Her hope was disappearing. She didn't see the point of it.

She suppressed the thought as soon as it appeared, and focussed instead on Sawyer, and her daughter. She was doing this for them. She had to fight for them, do whatever she could to end this, to stay with them.

She knew no matter what happened, Sawyer would understand. She couldn't guarantee the same for her daughter, and that was what tormented her the most. Years from now, when her little girl was visiting her Mom in prison, as a teenager, as a young woman, she wanted her to know that she'd tried. That she'd wanted to raise her, to be there for her throughout her life.

She reminded herself not to think about that today. She couldn't dwell on the future, not when it was so bleak. There was no point in reliving the past which had landed her in this situation. She had to focus. She just had to get through today. She'd worry about everything else later.

* * *

Sawyer spent the day focussing on his daughter. It was something he enjoyed anyway, but today he had an ulterior motive.

He was trying not to worry about Kate too much. He knew it was natural to do so, but he'd promised her he'd take care of the baby. So if he couldn't be there in court supporting her, he would at least do what she'd asked him to do.

In a way, it made the situation worse. All of his moments with his daughter thus far had been shared with Kate, bar a few. It was impossible for Sawyer now to look at one without picturing the other. So every time he looked at the baby, he thought of Kate. He wondered how she was coping.

He couldn't get used to the idea that she wasn't there. Sure, it had only been a few hours. But there were days of this separation yet to come, most likely years.

He wondered how he would cope without her.

The minute he thought that, he repressed it. He hated that he was so convinced she was going to jail. He hated that he'd actually imagined his future as a single father, that he'd come so close to planning for it.

He felt he had to consider it, though. His daughter's life was at stake. He had to be sure she'd be okay no matter what happened. After all, there was no guarantee he'd be around to raise her, either.

He'd been thinking about his past a lot. While Kate was being called to answer to her crimes, Sawyer couldn't help but consider his. In so many ways, it felt wrong that the law hadn't caught up with him.

He'd killed a man in another country. So far, he'd gotten away with it. In a legal sense, anyway. He'd been punishing himself for it since it happened.

He'd eventually managed to justify his actions in killing Cooper, and he'd largely moved on from it. He couldn't do the same for Duckett. That man shouldn't have died, least of all by his hand.

In a way, he envied Kate for being forced to atone for her sins. He wished he could do the same; wipe his slate clean. Kate knew he felt this way, and she'd made him promise to keep it quiet.

It seemed hypocritical for her to ask this of him, but she'd presented the argument logically. People knew what she'd done, they'd already arrested her. She was going to be punished for it, no matter what.

He couldn't have the same. He had to stay out of jail. Their daughter needed him. No matter how badly he wanted to come clean, he had to do what was right for Peanut. Even if it didn't feel completely right.

In a way, it was his ultimate punishment. He had to live in his head, feel his guilt, and relive his memories. It was torture, and it was his secret. No one else could ever know about it. He was imprisoned in his mind, and he'd been dealt a life sentence. No one could ever inflict worse harm on him than that.

Despite Kate's warnings, however, he prepared for every possible outcome. He spoke to Hurley, made his wishes known, and in doing so ensured that his little girl would always be taken care of, even if he wasn't there to do it.

He just hoped it would never come to that.

Finally, Kate arrived home, and he had something to distract himself from imagining the worst. He went out to meet her, apprehensive. After seeing her that morning, he had some idea of how she'd by now.

He hadn't overestimated. She looked exhausted, moving slowly into his waiting arms without pause. As she leaned into him, he could feel her relaxing, gathering herself together, and gaining strength. He was relieved he was able to do this for her.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly after a few moments of silence, still holding her close.

"Not really." He barely heard her response. A few more minutes ticked by before he decided it was time to do something.

"Come here," he said, pulling her towards the couch, pleased when she didn't resist. He sat her down, putting her feet up on the coffee table. He was rewarded with a slight smile.

"Don't move, I'll be right back, okay?" She nodded, settling in. Sawyer headed to the doorway, pausing for just a moment before he left, drinking in the sight of her. The day had really been too long.

He went upstairs to the baby's room, and quickly retrieved the sleeping toddler from her crib. He headed back down to Kate, knowing what she needed.

When he returned to the room, he was pleased to see she'd made herself comfortable. Her shoes were gone and she was now sitting with her feet on the couch, leaning against the cushions with her eyes closed. Quietly, he went to sit beside her, placing the baby in her lap.

Both mother and daughter opened their eyes at the renewed contact. Kate smiled fully now, and Sawyer pulled her against him, hugging her. This was how it was supposed to be.

"Hi, Peanut. Did you miss me?" Kate said, holding back tears.

"No," she replied. Sawyer closed his eyes. Why couldn't she have just cooed sweetly, or said one of her other two words?

He was surprised to hear Kate laughing. He opened his eyes again, thinking against reason that maybe this would be okay after all, and was met with the sight of tears running down Kate's face.

"Ah, hell, Freckles, she didn't mean it," he said, desperately wanting to make light of the situation.

Kate just continued laughing through her tears. Sawyer watched her, waiting for her to calm down. His patience disappeared and turned to alarm as he realised she wasn't calming down, that her breathing was becoming erratic, and that fear was now in her eyes.

"Hey, easy. Just breathe. Breathe. You gotta relax, okay?" He tried not to let his panic show as he took the baby back and manoeuvred Kate forward so he could rub her back. Eventually, her breathing slowed down, and she leaned back against him, exhausted once more.

"One day at a time," she whispered.

Now Sawyer had to hold back his emotions. "One day at a time," he agreed, before planting a kiss in her hair. He wondered how many more days like this they could take.

_tbc._


	9. Chapter 9

_Thanks again for the reviews, guys! _

* * *

Chapter 9.

Kate sat in a conference room, waiting for her lawyer. She was completely alone, giving her too much time to think. The last month, ever since the trial had begun, had been hellish. Every day was worse than the last, with new accusations, new emotions. She wasn't sure how much more they could take.

She thought about how Sawyer was holding up. About her fear for her daughter, and what would happen to her if the likely outcome of all this occurred. It amazed her that she still thought of it as 'if'. Like there was still a chance. She wondered when she'd finally accept the inevitable.

She thought about her remorse. She'd had no idea she'd be messing up her life this badly. She'd just wanted it to end, and naively she'd thought it would be simple. She'd never imagined the guilt.

To Kate's immense relief, the door opened and three people entered the room. The lawyer was no surprise. His companions were. One was a stranger to Kate. The other was not.

"What are you doing here, Dad?" Kate asked, surprised. Sam didn't answer. He could barely look at her. Kate continued to stare at him questioningly until her lawyer spoke.

"There's been a development, Kate. New evidence has been uncovered, proving your innocence."

Kate turned sharply to stare at her lawyer, disbelieving. Prove her innocence? She _wasn't_ innocent.

"What do you mean?" she asked, her calm voice concealing her true emotions.

The stranger stepped forward, clearing his throat. "This has to go away. My company in an affiliate of Oceanic Airlines. All the focus of this case has been about your status as a survivor of flight 815. It reflects badly on us. We want the publicity to end quickly."

None of this made any sense to Kate. "I don't understand. Why are you telling me this?" she asked, daring to look at Sam again, hoping he'd be the one to tell her. He wasn't.

"New evidence has come to light regarding the death of your step-father," the stranger continued. "Your mother confessed to the crime right before she died. We know she was the one who blew up the house."

"What?" asked Kate, starting to see where this was going. She hoped she was wrong.

"Diane knew you'd set up an insurance policy for the house. She needed the money. It seemed like the perfect plan."

"She didn't know about it. You're wrong." Interrupted Kate tearfully. She couldn't believe this was happening.

"We know you went to see her afterwards. She told us how you insisted on taking the blame, how you wanted to protect her. She said she didn't want to do it, but you made her agree. She told us it broke her heart to do it. She regretted it ever since."

"No! Why are you saying this? It wasn't her, it was me; I did it!" Kate stood up and tried to approach the stranger. He moved away from her, his eyes never leaving hers. Kate stopped. She turned to Sam.

"Please, you know it was me. She's dead, she can't even defend herself, it's wrong. I know you loved her. Why are you letting this happen?" she pleaded, crying. Still, he said nothing.

"The charges against you have been dropped. You're free to go. Your father will drive you home," said her lawyer, looking at Kate with an expression resembling pity.

Kate didn't move. Sam gently seized her arm and led her out of the building. She complied, dazed, until they broke into the sunshine and the waiting media storm. She broke down in tears again.

Questions were being thrown at her. How did she feel about her freedom? Why did she cover for her mother all these years? Was she really willing to go to prison for her? Finally she couldn't take it anymore.

"She didn't do it!" Kate cried out. "It was me, I killed him, I'm guilty." She was quickly quieted as Sam and the corporate stranger led her to the waiting car. They were obviously in a rush to get her out of there before she outed herself. She didn't care anymore.

Before the door slammed shut, blocking the world from her, she saw her lawyer step forward to give a statement. She didn't want to know what lies were being said. She hated that even now there was no stop to the deceit.

In the car on the ride home, Kate was somewhat quieter. She was trying to process what had happened. She's never imagined this outcome.

"It's the right thing to do, Katie," said Sam, finally speaking.

"I wanted to protect her. Now she's being blamed for something I did. It's not what I wanted. It's not right," she replied softly, more to herself than anything else. She refused to look at him, preferring instead to gaze at out the window.

"It should never have been your job to take care of her. You have to stop trying to protect her," Sam said firmly. "You're her daughter. She's supposed to take care of you. This is her last chance to do it."

Kate started crying again as Sam continued.

"Kids come first, Katie. Your daughter needs you out of prison. You have to do this for her."

Kate finally looked over at Sam, and was surprised at the regret she saw. She knew he was thinking about his role in her life. She didn't know what to say to him. She turned away again, back to the window. It was easier. They passed the rest of the journey home in silence.

* * *

Once again, Sawyer was at home, trying to distract himself. He was worried about Kate. The trial was taking a lot out of her, and he was concerned. 

He knew he was different as well, and he knew Kate had noticed. Every day it was looking more and more like she was going to prison for life. They'd always had hope, somehow, that things would work out okay. Now reality was setting in, and it was grim.

Whether it was because of this depressing atmosphere or not, Sawyer wasn't sure, but he was starting to feel more and more like he, too would go to jail. It was only a matter of time before he was caught. It made it hard to focus on anything else.

He was startled out of his reverie by a sharp knock on the door. For a moment, he wanted to ignore it; continue wallowing in his fear and self-pity. Then dread filled him. He thought of Kate, and a thousand horrible scenarios raced through his mind. Pushing them all aside, he went to open the door.

"Hey dude, can we come in?"

Hurley was there, along with a man Sawyer didn't recognise. He let them in, looking at the strange man suspiciously. Hurley apparently noticed.

"This is...Uh.. I'll let him explain. Where's Peanut?" he asked.

"In her room - " said Sawyer, wondering what the hell was going on.

"Great! I'll go hang out with her then while you guys talk." Hurley quickly escaped, looking like he didn't really want to be there any longer than was necessary.

"Talk about what?" Sawyer called after him, but he was already gone. Turning to the stranger, he asked, "Who're you?"

"I work for important people. It doesn't matter who," said the stranger mysteriously, seemingly unaware that Sawyer wasn't impressed with his cryptic response.

"What the hell are you doing here, then?" Sawyer asked, still worried that this could have something to do with Kate.

"I'm here to tell you we know about Duckett."

Sawyer stood, completely shocked. His worst nightmare was coming true. Now he knew why Hurley had come, and why he'd seemed so uncomfortable.

"You don't need to worry. The problem is gone."

This only confused Sawyer even more. "What do you mean?" he asked, unsure he wanted to know the answer.

"All it means is that you don't have to worry about being found out. You won't."

Sawyer could only stare, dumbfounded. The stranger continued. "We've cleared Kate Austen as well. You're both free."

Sawyer looked at the man suspiciously, sure that this was some kind of joke. At the same time, he couldn't help thinking it would be wonderful if it was true.

"I'm sure she'll explain it all when she arrives home." The stranger stood up to leave. Sawyer sat down in shock, trying to understand what had just happened. He and Kate were cleared of everything. They could have a normal life.

He was vaguely aware of Hurley and the stranger leaving. After awhile he wandered down to his daughter's room. It was only when he was picking the girl up that he fully appreciated the enormity of the situation.

"We're free, Sunshine," he murmured to the baby, needing to say it out loud, to see how it felt. He sat with her by the window. They stayed that way until they heard a car pulling up, signalling the arrival of the missing family member. Then together, they went down to greet her.

Sawyer's enthusiasm and optimism disappeared the moment he saw the look on Kate's face. It was obvious she had been crying. She seemed distant, as though she was somehow in a different place and time, and he didn't know how to reach her.

For the first time, he wondered what her freedom had cost her. He realised he should have thought about it before, been ready for when she arrived home. How could he have thought things would be simple?

Kate walked past Sawyer, past her daughter, not glancing at either of them, and sat on the couch. Sawyer followed. Setting the baby down in her playpen, he sat near Kate, wanting to give her whatever space she needed, while at the same time not letting her get too far away. He watched her, trying to get a read on her. It was much harder than usual. She wouldn't look at him. He decided to just start talking.

"They came to see me, too. Duckett's not gonna be a problem." He watched Kate closely, hoping to see some kind of reaction. He thought he saw a hint of something simmering below the surface.

He decided not to push it any more, figuring she'd tell him what had happened when she was ready. He turned on the tv in an attempt to distract them both. He stared at it absentmindedly, until he saw what was playing. Sitting forward, he started paying attention.

_"In a surprising development, plane crash survivor Katherine Austen was today cleared of all charges. New evidence was uncovered confirming that Austen was innocent, as she always insisted. Revelations that – "_

"Turn it off," interrupted Kate, her voice somewhat strangled. Sawyer quickly complied. Looking at her once more, he saw tears in her eyes.

"How?" he asked simply, needing to know what was so terrible.

It took Kate a moment to answer. When she did speak, it sounded as though she could hardly believe what she was saying. "They're framing my mom."

He understood immediately. She'd wanted to protect her mother, and now it was all for nothing. In a way, it was worse. Her mother's memory was tarnished forever, blamed for committing an act she hadn't done, an act meant to save her.

Sawyer moved closer to Kate. Not speaking, he pulled her into his arms and held her while she cried. He glanced over at the baby, playing happily, completely oblivious to her parents' anguish. He couldn't help feeling relieved. All things considered, this was a good outcome.

_tbc._


	10. Chapter 10

If anyone was expecting an update last week, I'm sorry. I had a stockpile of chapters for this before I even started posting, so I was able to have regular updates, but this is the last one. So from now on I'll be updating as I write. I'll try to keep them coming as frequently as possible, but no promises. Unfortunately I have a very short attention span, and I'm having a little trouble staying focused on this one.

* * *

Chapter 10.

Sawyer was home alone, Kate having taken their daughter to the park. He was sitting in the kitchen, thinking about Clementine. He'd been thinking about his older daughter a lot lately, about what he'd done. Everything about the situation bothered him.

He thought back to when he'd first found out he was a father. He'd freaked out. There was no other way to describe it.

He'd denied it. Yet at the same time, he knew it was true. He couldn't explain why he was so certain. He'd always wondered if something like this would happen to him one day. Sometimes he figured it was only a matter of time before someone tracked him down, claiming he was their father.

It had to be Cassidy, the woman he'd come closest to being in love with.

He hadn't accepted the truth at first. He couldn't, for the same reason he'd initially struggled to accept Kate's pregnancy. He couldn't be a father.

He knew differently now. He loved being a dad. His daughter was his greatest accomplishment.

And so he felt guilty. He devoted all his care and attention to one daughter while he'd spent so long ignoring the existence of her sister.

He wondered what she looked like. How she was doing. He hoped she was okay.

It wasn't enough for him to hope anymore. He wanted to know she was alright. He wanted to see it for himself.

But Kate didn't know.

He decided he had to tell her. There was no way around it; he wanted to meet his older daughter and there was no chance of Kate not figuring out something was going on. Back in the beginning, he'd resolved to be honest with her. He wouldn't do this behind her back.

Of course, he'd been keeping this a secret for almost two years. Not the best way to go about having an honest relationship.

Sitting down at the kitchen table, he tried to think of how best to phrase it. He had time before Kate came back to figure out how to tell her.

Or so he'd thought.

At that moment, he heard the front door open. Desperately, he wished for time to slow down. He wasn't ready for this yet, but he knew that if he didn't do it now he'd lose his nerve.

Too soon, Kate entered the kitchen. Sawyer avoided her eyes, instead watching his little girl toddle into the room behind her.

"Hey," Kate said offhandedly. Noting Sawyer's troubled expression, she looked at him inquisitively. "What's wrong?"

Sawyer finally looked up at her. Seeing the worry in her eyes, he reached over and grasped her hand, pulling her toward him.

"We need to talk," he said quietly.

Kate, looking unsettled, cast a quick glance over at Peanut. Seeing that she was playing happily with a teddy bear that had been left lying around, Kate sank into a chair opposite Sawyer.

Now that he had her full attention, he didn't have the slightest clue how to begin. To buy time, he reached for her hand again. He studied all the marks and lines on her palm, rubbed his thumb across her knuckles. When she squeezed his hand slightly, encouraging him, he blurted out his confession.

"I have another daughter." Her grip tightened. He couldn't bear to look at her as he continued.

"It was years ago. She was one of the women I'd conned. When I left with her money, I thought it was the end of it. I didn't know she was pregnant. But she reported me. Months later, she came to visit me in prison. Had a photo of her daughter, said her name was Clementine.

"I didn't want anything to do with the kid, or her, and I told her that." He paused, wanting Kate to understand. "But ever since Peanut was born, I keep thinking about Clementine. About how I abandoned her."

"So what are you gonna do?" Kate whispered. Her grip on Sawyer's hand had become so tight it was painful. He was reminded of the day she'd given birth. He hated that he was causing her so much pain.

"I wanna get in touch with Cassidy," he responded.

With a jerk, Kate ripped her hand away from Sawyer's. Standing up so fast she knocked her chair over, she backed away from him, only stopping when she was against the wall.

Sawyer finally dared to look Kate in the eye. He was met with fear. It surprised him. He'd been expecting anger. He could deal with anger. He had no idea how to deal with this.

He stood up, wanting to comfort her, knowing she wouldn't let him.

"Don't," she said, before he could even take a step towards her. He froze. She pressed further into the wall behind her. After several long minutes of this torturous face-off, Kate turned and half ran out of the room. Even as he called after her, he knew it was pointless. The front door slammed, and then she was gone.

Alone now, Sawyer started pacing the room. His frustration grew with every lap. After several minutes, he couldn't contain it anymore, and kicked Kate's fallen chair across the room.

"Damn it!" he yelled, relishing in the sudden violence that overtook him.

The sudden noise startled his daughter, and she instantly started screaming. For a moment Sawyer couldn't move. He'd actually forgotten she was there. What the hell kind of father did that make him?

Rushing over to her, he picked her up. It wasn't easy; she screamed louder and started kicking at him the second he was within reach. Eventually, he had her in his arms.

"I'm sorry, Baby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," he said to her, trying to calm her, wishing he could cry with her.

He'd done exactly what he'd told himself he'd never do. It scared him. What if it happened again? He hadn't known where his daughter had been, what if the chair had hit her? What if he got this angry again, would he hit someone? He'd almost wanted to, for a second. What if he couldn't control himself?

As the baby's cries eased, Sawyer began to calm down. He sank down to the ground, still holding the baby firmly against his chest. For the first time since leaving the island, he thought of Locke, and what he'd said in that last conversation. The guilt would stop him from doing it again. He sighed deeply, willing himself to believe it.

Hours passed. Sawyer didn't move. He was worried about Kate. What if something had happened to her? He knew it was irrational. She'd left because she needed space. She'd come back when she was ready.

He couldn't wait for that. He needed to know, right now, that she was okay. He'd never forgive himself if something had happened to her. Reaching for the phone, he called her cell, his worry increasing when she didn't pick up. He tried again, a few minutes later. Still no answer. Again and again he called her, all with no response.

She was probably avoiding him. But what if she wasn't?

Noticing the time, Sawyer got up to feed his daughter and get her ready for bed. He thought it was important to stick to her routine. He didn't want her to realise something was wrong, anymore than she already had.

Everything was wrong. Kate was running again, and it was because of him. He'd gotten over being afraid of it in the past couple of years. With everything that had happened between them he'd become so sure that she'd never leave. He didn't think she'd do it now, not after so long staying still. Not with everything they had. What if she didn't come back?

He was imagining life without her again. After the abrupt end to her trial, he'd thought he'd never think that way again. Things had been so normal. He forced the thought out of his mind.

Pacing in the living room now, he was startled out of his thought process by the phone ringing. Relieved and terrified at the same time, he rushed to answer it.

"Kate?" he said anxiously by way of greeting.

"Sorry, dude, it's Hurley," came the response. Sawyer was tempted to hang up straight away and keep the line clear for when (if) Kate tried to call.

"Kate's with me." Now Sawyer was listening. He gripped the phone tightly.

"Is she okay?" he asked, barely able to get the words out.

There was a pause before Hurley answered.

"Yeah." Another pause. Sawyer thought he heard whispering on Hurley's end of the line.

"Is Peanut okay?" Hurley asked.

"Yeah, she's fine." Sawyer replied quickly, knowing Hurley was asking for Kate. More whispering as Hurley relayed this information. Straining to make out what they were saying, he thought he heard a small sob. He waited, hoping the next voice he heard would be Kate's. It wasn't.

"She's pretty upset, dude. I don't know what happened between you, but just give her some space, okay?"

Sawyer collapsed on the couch. He nodded, despite the fact that Hurley couldn't see him.

"Don't worry. She'll be home eventually." Hurley added.

Sawyer sighed. "Can you just... I mean... Tell her I love her, okay?" he requested, embarrassed.

"Will do." Hurley promised before hanging up.

Back to waiting. He was determined to wait up for her, to be there when she got home. He was convinced it would only be a matter of hours. He knew she wouldn't stay away from her daughter for too long, no matter how angry she was at him.

It was after midnight when she walked through the door. Sawyer stared at her. All his focus was on stopping himself from running to her and crushing her in a hug. He worked hard on reminding himself to give her space, like Hurley had said.

She was still upset, but he thought she was slightly calmer than before. Like she'd had some time to think. She didn't look as afraid as she had before. He was relieved about that.

"Is the baby okay?" she asked stiffly, glancing in the direction of her room.

Sawyer felt a lump grow in his throat. "Yeah, she's fine. She's asleep," he told her quietly. He wouldn't tell her about how he'd scared her earlier. He was still too afraid to admit it to himself.

Kate let out a sob. Wrapping her arms around herself, she passed Sawyer, entering the living room and curling up in an armchair. After a moment, Sawyer followed her, seating himself opposite her.

Desperate to ease the tension in the room, he started to talk. "I'm -"

"Don't." Kate cut him off. "Don't apologise. You don't even know why I'm upset." There was a fury in her voice Sawyer had never heard before.

"I'm not surprised you have another kid. I know about your past, and I've been expecting it. It hurt when you told me, but I was okay." Her calm demeanour was vanishing. Sawyer braced himself for the worst. He had no idea what to expect. If she wasn't angry about the kid thing, then what was it?

"Then I find out it was Cassidy," she spat out.

He was shocked. "You know her?"

"Yeah, Sawyer, I knew her. I met her while I was on the run. She told me all about the guy who she fell in love with, the one who took all her money. And then she told me she was pregnant, and that she still loved him." There were angry tears in Kate's eyes as she said this, and some of the fear Sawyer had seen earlier was returning.

"I told her to report him. She didn't want to do it, so I told her to tell me who he was and I'd take care of him. She wouldn't do that either. I wondered what kind of monster could have that kind of a hold over a woman. I hated him. I hated him for what he did to Cassidy. Not just for stealing from her, but for making her think he cared about her. I hated him for abandoning his child.

"And now you're telling me that it was you," she finished. Her anger was gone; she looked drained. She leaned her head back against the chair, tears falling freely down her face.

Sawyer didn't know what to say. This connection was too strange, too sudden. He had no idea how to make this right.

When he didn't say anything, Kate continued, struggling to speak. "I thought I knew you. I want to believe I know you, that you've changed. That you really do love me and this isn't one of your acts. But Cassidy thought that about you. And my mother thought that about her husband. Neither of them could see what was really happening. I don't want to be that person," she said amidst sobs. "I don't want my daughter to grow up the way I did."

Sawyer felt his heart stop. "What do you want me to do?" He'd do it, whatever she asked of him.

She looked at him hard for a second. He met her stare, hoping she'd see in his eyes that what they had was real.

"Get out." She whispered. It was regretful rather than cruel, and it gave Sawyer hope. In a daze, he stood, blindly walking towards the door. It slammed behind him, once again separating him from the woman he loved.

He didn't know where to go, what to do. He found himself in his car, driving aimlessly. He was in the middle of those horrible hours, late at night or early morning, where the sane world slept. The only people out and about would be people like him; troubled, lost. The last thing he wanted was their company.

It occurred to him that he probably shouldn't be driving in this state. But he couldn't stop. He resolved to focus more on what he was doing instead of replaying Kate's words in his mind. It was hard. Eventually he gave up.

Somehow his unconscious mind had lead him to Hurley's doorstep. Not that he could go in and talk to him; it was still far too early for that. It was, however, a place to stop and think. It was what he needed.

He wanted a drink. He craved it. And it was because of that craving that he refused to give in. He couldn't have what he wanted, he didn't deserve it. Always the self-inflicted punishment. He couldn't dull his sense with alcohol.

He became aware of the sun rising, and it was only then that he realised how long he'd been sitting in his car outside his friend's place. Just as he was thinking it was surprising that no one had noticed his presence and reported it, someone appeared.

"Dude, you look like crap." Hurley announced, looking little better himself. Sawyer didn't respond.

"Security says you've been out here awhile. What happened, did Kate kick you out?"

The comment stung more than Sawyer would have liked, and he knew it showed. Hurley sighed, before opening the car door. Sawyer reluctantly stepped out of the car, avoiding Hurley's eyes. Silently the two men walked back inside Hurley's house.

"How much do you know?" Sawyer asked the minute they were inside.

"Kate didn't really say anything, dude," replied Hurley. "She was pretty angry though. Not at you," he added hastily when he saw Sawyer's face. "She was beating herself up because she left without Peanut. She seemed really scared, actually. You know how she does that thing where she convinces herself she's a bad mother."

Sawyer was feeling worse by the minute. He'd thought he could handle her being angry at him, but he hated that she was blaming herself.

"She also said something about the last couple of years being too good to be true, and she should have known something like this would happen eventually," Hurley finished. He stared at Sawyer. "What happened?"

Collapsing into a chair and staring at a wall, Sawyer told Hurley everything. He found it was easier to tell about Clementine and Cassidy the second time. Telling about Kate's reaction felt like a knife twisting in his gut. He still couldn't mention the incident with Peanut.

After he finished talking, Hurley didn't say anything. Sawyer waited for some kind of comment, some advice. None was forthcoming. Suddenly, he felt like an idiot for divulging his feelings. Since when had he been one for sharing?

Before these feelings could develop too much, however, Hurley finally spoke. "What are you gonna do now?"

"I was hoping you'd tell me," Sawyer admitted, refusing to meet Hurley's eyes.

"Well, you can't avoid her forever. And she can't avoid you either. Maybe you should, I dunno, talk to each other?" he suggested tentatively. When Sawyer seemed to consider his advice, he continued.

"She went back. That's gotta count for something," he said more firmly.

There was that. Sawyer decided to focus on the positive. She went back; she had been willing to talk to him again. Now he had to do the same.

Declining Hurley's offer of breakfast, Sawyer headed home. He had no clue what he'd find there. Part of him was afraid she wouldn't let him through the door. Worse, though, was the fear that he'd arrive home to find the house empty. He couldn't help thinking that if she was to ever take Peanut and run, this would be a time to do it.

He quickly discovered his fears had been for nothing. The second he walked through the door he saw Kate waiting for him, the exact reverse of what had occurred just a few hours before. She looked at him, her face expressionless. When she turned and headed into the kitchen he followed, though he was dismayed that whatever confrontations she had planned would occur right where it had all began.

Sitting once more at the kitchen table, Sawyer couldn't get over the formality of the situation. All the comfortable trust they'd built was gone. Still, he didn't try to recover it. This was her moment. He'd go along with whatever she had planned.

"I think we should get in touch with Cassidy," Kate announced. Sawyer stared at her. It wasn't what he'd been expecting. More importantly, she'd said 'we'. He didn't think he'd ever really appreciated that word before.

"You're right, you should meet your daughter," she continued, struggling a little. "And I'm coming with you."

Sawyer's optimism was draining. He hadn't expected the unspoken mistrust that came with those words, though he realised he should have expected that she'd want to accompany him.

"It's not what you're thinking," Kate added. "It's not that I don't trust you. Cassidy helped me. I want to see her again. That's all."

Business ended, Kate stood and left the room. Sawyer remained seated. Despite what Hurley had said, and despite what he was trying to convince himself, he couldn't fight the feeling that this was just the beginning; that from this point on things would only get worse.

_tbc._


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks again for the reviews guys! And if anyone is wondering (I know ParisAmy is) yes, Peanut does have a real name, and yes, I will eventually reveal it. Keyword there is "eventually". This chapter's kind of a long one, so you might want to make yourself comfortable before you start reading.

Chapter 11.

Kate sat in the passenger seat of the car, staring blindly out the window. It hadn't taken long for her to plan this upcoming meeting with Cassidy, and now she and Sawyer were on their way. She wished, almost, that it had been more difficult. Right up until they left she kept hoping that something would happen to delay the event. But things never did seem to go the way she wished they would.

She hadn't spoken much to Sawyer during their trip. Luckily he was distracted as well; at least she could be grateful that the silence and uneasiness was mutual.

"Tell me again how you knew where to find her?" Sawyer asked suddenly. Kate didn't look at him. She'd already explained it to him what felt to her like a hundred times, but he was still suspicious, apparently. Either that or he was simply looking for a distraction.

"We kept in touch over the years. I wrote to her and asked if I could visit, she said yes. It's not that hard to understand," she replied simply.

"So you were on the run, looking over your shoulder a hundred times a day, and you still had time for a penpal?" he asked incredulously. Kate ignored him.

It had been risky, she knew that. She had no way of knowing that Cassidy wouldn't turn her in. She was putting both of them in danger by trusting her, yet she had to do it. She couldn't really explain why, even to herself, but there was something about the normality of writing a letter to a friend every so often, asking about her child, telling of the place she was currently "visiting", that kept her sane.

If she believed in fate, she would have thought that she'd kept in touch with her because this day was coming; because one day, she would need to know where she was.

"Does she know about us?" Sawyer asked, once again startling Kate. She was growing annoyed by the constant disturbances. She'd never been good at being cooped up for very long, and this was a long drive.

"I don't think so," she answered shortly. It made her think, though. She'd never told Cassidy about Sawyer. At least, she'd never mentioned his name. She'd told her about Peanut, and that she was living with someone she'd met on the island. And there'd been a lot of publicity after the rescue, and with the trial. She wished now she'd paid attention to the press at the time. She wondered just how many details of their lives had gotten out. Maybe Cassidy did know.

It made her dread their upcoming reunion just that little bit more.

"Do you think we should have left Peanut with Hurley, or your Dad?"

Sawyer. Again. Kate sighed loudly in frustration, hoping he'd take the hint this time. Still, she glanced back at her daughter, smiling a little at the way she was zoning out in her car seat. "No, I hate leaving her behind."

That statement brought back memories of That Night for both of them, and the tension in the car thickened. She still felt guilty for it.

Just as she was preparing to beat herself up about it once more, Sawyer pulled the car over. "We're here," he said quietly, not looking at Kate. For the first time she dared to glance at him, curious about what she'd see.

Dread. Excitement. Exactly what she was feeling, though for a different reason. She quickly looked away.

"You sure about this?"

This time Kate didn't answer straight away. She wasn't sure at all. In fact, she wanted nothing more than to turn the car around and drive home. And she knew that if she told Sawyer that, he'd do it.

But this was his daughter. He couldn't run away from her again.

Kate got out of the car and headed around to the back seat. As she unbuckled Peanut from her child seat, she reminded Sawyer what they'd agreed upon. "I'll talk to her, tell her you're here, then see what she wants to do. I'll call you when I know what's happening, okay?"

Sawyer nodded. "I'll stay close by." He sounded as though, by saying it, he was signing some kind of contract, something that would hold him to his word.

Both paused awkwardly for a moment. Neither knew what to say. Resigned to the fact that this was how it was going to be, Kate closed the car door, clutching her daughter to her, shutting herself off from her escape. She turned away from the vehicle, not wanting to see Sawyer's face. She stayed that way until she heard it moving, then she turned back to watch it leave.

Kate waited for the car to disappear at the end of the street before walking towards Cassidy's house, Peanut in her arms. She still couldn't quite believe the connection they shared.

She didn't have time to ponder this strange relationship, however. The front door opened before she even reached it, and her old accomplice was there, smiling in greeting.

"Hey," Kate said, returning the smile. She didn't know what else to say.

"Hi." Apparently Cassidy was having the same problem.

The moment passed quickly, however, when a little girl appeared at the door behind her mother.

"Who's that?" she asked Cassidy, pointing to Kate.

"Remember I told you a friend of mine was visiting today? This is Kate," Cassidy replied, "and don't point, sweetie."

"Hi," said Kate a little awkwardly. She couldn't stop staring at Clementine, Sawyer's other daughter. She couldn't help looking for some of his features in her, some resemblance to her half-sister even, despite the fact that she'd promised herself she wouldn't.

Upon glancing back at Cassidy, however, she realised the other woman was doing the same thing as she stared at Peanut.

So she did know. In a way, Kate was relieved she didn't have to tell her.

"Come on in," Cassidy finally said. Kate followed her inside, to the living area. After Cassidy had sent Clementine off to her room to play, Kate finally asked the question that was burning up inside of her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She didn't waste any time with small talk, knowing Cassidy was also one to get straight to the point.

"I couldn't," she responded, without even thinking, it seemed to Kate.

"Why not?" Kate asked, trying not to sound too accusative.

Cassidy sighed loudly. "It's different. I saw you on TV and in all the newspapers after the rescue, and with the trial. You looked happy. I didn't want to ruin it for you."

Kate couldn't understand this. "What about what he did to you?" _Why didn't you warn me,_ was what she really wanted to ask.

Cassidy understood her implication anyway. "Did you know who he was? Did you know he was a conman when you got involved with him?"

"Yeah," replied Kate, unsure where this was going.

"Then you knew him better than I did. And with what you went through, with your Mom, I figured you wouldn't be with him if you were worried," she answered.

Silence swept over the room as Kate tried to take this in. It wasn't long before she resumed her questioning, however.

"Do you think he's different now?" she asked. As much as she hated to admit it, she realised she desperately needed the opinion of someone who'd known him before.

Cassidy simply rolled her eyes at the question. "Well, it's not like I've spoken to him. But I saw the way he looked at you. He never looked at me that way."

"Do you still love him?" The question came out before Kate could stop it, and she wished she could take it back instantly. She thought she knew what the answer might be, and she didn't want to hear it.

Cassidy paused for several long moments. "No," she finally responded. Kate was unsure whether or not she was lying, but before she could question this Cassidy cut across her.

"Now it's my turn to ask the questions." Kate became very still at that announcement. She remembered all too well Cassidy's way of questioning, of almost always managing to get the truth out of her, and she wasn't ready for it just yet.

"Why are you here?"

At least that was an easy one, Kate thought. "Because I wanted to see you," she replied truthfully.

Cassidy shook her head at the response. "There's more to it than that. You never did anything for just one reason." She looked genuinely intrigued. "Were you worried there might still be something between us? Were you afraid I might try to steal him from you?"

Kate couldn't answer. That fear had been there from the moment she found out who Sawyer was to Cassidy, even though she didn't want to admit it to herself. She glanced away, unable to meet Cassidy's eyes.

"You don't have to worry." Kate listened, willing herself to believe her words.

"I'm not about to go there again. And even if I did, I doubt he'd be interested. Like I said, he never looked at me the way he looks at you."

Kate smiled, relieved. Suddenly she felt like an idiot for thinking the way she had been, for doubting Sawyer's love for her.

"So I'm guessing he told you about his daughter. Clementine." Cassidy added quickly, glancing at the toddler in Kate's arms.

"Yeah," she replied. An uncomfortable silence fell over them. Kate struggled with it, wanting to break it, not sure how.

"He's here," she finally blurted out.

Cassidy looked stunned. Seeing this, Kate explained. "He wants to meet Clementine. He told me about her a week ago. He told me everything. That's how I figured out it was you. We weren't sure if you'd want to talk to him, so he's waiting for me to call him. If you don't want to see him we'll just go. He's leaving it up to you."

Cassidy remained speechless. Kate, too, remained silent, giving her time to process this information. She could only imagine how difficult this decision must be for her; deciding whether or not to allow the man who had abandoned them back into their lives.

At the same time, she knew Sawyer was currently going mad inside a car, waiting to find out how his future would unfold from this moment. She didn't want him to have to wait too long.

"So, what do you want to do?" Kate asked.

* * *

Sawyer drove around in circles, keeping close to Cassidy's house, waiting for that phone call. He had no idea how long he would be waiting. Part of him hoped it would come quickly, so the excruciating task of waiting would end. At the same time, he hoped it would never come. 

He didn't know anymore what kind of outcome he was hoping for. Maybe Cassidy wouldn't even let him see his daughter. Would he be okay with that? Kate was there; she was seeing Clementine, so at the very least she would be able to tell him _something _about her. Preferably that she was happy, and safe, and loved. He didn't doubt that Cassidy would love her and do everything for her she possibly could, but too much had happened to him in the past for him to automatically assume things would be okay. What if Cassidy had a partner who didn't treat them well? What if one of them had some life-threatening illness? There were so many possible scenarios going through his mind, and most of them featured pain and suffering.

Then again, what if they were perfectly fine? He knew that was what he should be hoping for, but a very small part of him didn't like the idea that his daughter could live her life perfectly fine without him. He wondered what he'd do if, after all this, he found out they were fine, he wasn't needed, and he and Kate could go back to their lives, never seeing this part of his family again.

It felt strange thinking of them as his family. Kate and their daughter were his family. He wasn't sure how his past lover and _their_ daughter would fit into that construct.

His family was a mess right now. Kate was distant, clinical even. She wasn't avoiding him as such, but there was something about her that seemed fake. Her mask, long ago discarded, was back in place.

She seemed to support his interest in knowing his other daughter, but he wasn't sure if that was for his benefit, or Cassidy and Clementine's. Often when she'd mentioned them this past week, she'd glance at Peanut, and he knew she was thinking about all the "what if's". What if he'd left them when she was pregnant? What if he left now? How would she cope? She was putting herself in Cassidy's shoes all too frequently, and he hated that he'd driven her to that.

He'd thought maybe on the trip here he'd be able to get her to open up finally, being trapped together for so long. He'd tried so many times to get her talking, to get back what they had. It hadn't worked.

It hadn't helped that Clementine kept drifting to the front of his mind. He'd wanted to focus on Kate, fix things with her, before he tried to mend this other bridge. He couldn't do it. A blurry image of a smiling baby in a photograph was always there, distracting him. He couldn't even remember it properly. When he tried to picture it clearly images of Peanut appeared instead. Everything was a mess.

He wanted today to be over; he wanted to be past this stage so he could clear up his life and mend things with everyone in it.

Just as he was thinking this, his cell rang. He paused, dread creeping over him. It was happening. He couldn't do this.

Still, he answered it, feeling oddly detached. All of a sudden he remembered how Kate had said she'd felt when they were being taken off the island. He hadn't really understood it then, but he thought he was feeling it a bit now.

She wanted him to see her. It was a relief, and at the same time the dread only increased. Those worst case scenarios were still in his mind, only now he knew for sure that he had to face them. He couldn't back out now.

Hanging up, he drove back towards the house. The journey was too short; he was there too soon. He hadn't worked out what he was going to say yet.

Just as he was considering doing another circle around the block, the front door opened. He'd been spotted. Once again, Kate had taken control of the matter.

He got out of the car and walked towards her. She made no move to meet him halfway, and her face gave away nothing. He smiled nervously, hoping to incite some kind of response. He was hoping she'd be able to tell him what to expect before he had to see Cassidy.

His smile faltered as Cassidy herself appeared behind Kate. He froze for a moment. Her expression was inscrutable as well. It bothered him that there were two women standing in front of him and he didn't know what either was thinking. He'd always been so good at reading people. Had he lost his touch, or were they immune to his charms?

He shook himself mentally. Now wasn't the time to lose focus.

He paused once he was beside Kate. He didn't know what to say to Cassidy, and it didn't feel right to say anything to Kate in that moment, either. _Two's company, three's a crowd_, he thought to himself. He just couldn't figure out which of them was that third person. He'd expected each of the women to feel like the outsider when faced with his relationship with the other. What he hadn't expected was to see such a deep bond between Cassidy and Kate, something he wasn't a part of.

"Come in," Cassidy finally said. Sawyer followed Kate, trying not to look too interested as he took in his surroundings. He didn't want anyone figuring out that he was looking for a glimpse of Clementine; a photo, a crayon drawing, a stack of toys.

Once inside, the three adults stood around in an awkward circle. It was possibly the most uncomfortable moment Sawyer had ever experienced. Just as he was wondering how long it could last, a little girl wandered into the room.

"Clementine, I thought I told you to play in your room?" Cassidy said to her, a slight strain in her voice evident no matter how hard she tried to hide it.

"I was looking for my book," the girl replied innocently. She was either oblivious to the tension in the room, or she'd made up an excuse to come and see what was causing it.

Sawyer stared at her. This was his daughter, in the flesh. He realised that up until now, it had just been an idea. Now it was real.

He became acutely aware of both Kate and Cassidy staring at him. He tried to ignore the looks he was getting. This was one of those situations, he figured, where he couldn't win. Every second spent staring at Clementine felt like a betrayal to Kate. Yet he'd ignored Clementine for so many years; he felt like he owed her a few seconds of undivided attention, at the very least.

Eventually, Kate broke the ice. "Why don't I take Clementine back to her room, so you guys can talk?" she offered.

"Can the baby come, too?" asked Clem eagerly.

Kate had to smile at her enthusiasm. "Sure." Both looked at Cassidy expectantly.

"Alright," she relented. Clementine immediately grabbed Kate by the hand and started dragging her out of the room.

"Do you wanna..." Cassidy gestured to the couch.

"Uh, yeah." Sawyer sat. Cassidy took a seat opposite him.

Silence overtook them again. After several minutes, Sawyer asked the question he'd been dying to know the answer to.

"How's Clementine?"

Cassidy stared at him, and Sawyer realised just how far from easy this was going to be.

"She's fine," Cassidy responded simply.

Sawyer smiled bitterly. "I guess that's all I'm gonna get, huh?"

"Do you think you've earned more than that?" Cassidy was quick with that response.

Sawyer chose not to answer. He started searching for another question, one she might answer, anything to keep the conversation going.

"You got a boyfriend?"

Again, Cassidy stared at him. "Is that any of your business?"

Sawyer looked away, abashed. He couldn't help thinking that yes, it _was_ his business if there was someone else in his daughter's life, but he knew that that wouldn't go down very well with Cassidy. Maybe after he'd spent more than a minute in his daughter's presence he could try it...

Perhaps sensing Sawyer's thoughts, Cassidy relented. "There have been a few guys over the years. Nothing too serious. Clem's more important, anyway. As long as I've got her I'm happy." Despite what she was saying, Sawyer couldn't help feeling that this was a sore topic for her, and he was sorry he'd brought it up.

She continued on. "The right guy will come along eventually. And if he doesn't, it's not the end of the world." Yet another uncomfortable silence followed that statement.

"Sorry," Sawyer blurted out. He was amazed at himself for how often he'd been saying or thinking that phrase recently. "I'm sorry I conned you, I'm sorry I abandoned you, and I'm sorry for how I acted when you told me about her."

Cassidy looked at him sadly. "You're not _that_ sorry though, are you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Sawyer, confused.

Looking directly in Sawyer's eyes, Cassidy explained. "If you hadn't done what you did to me, if you'd stuck around, you wouldn't have them," she said quietly.

Sawyer had never considered this before. It scared him a little. Was it wrong for him to be almost glad he'd abandoned his first child now? He couldn't imagine not having Peanut; as irrational as it

was, he was now terrified at the idea that she might never have been born. What was he supposed to be thinking and feeling about all this? What was normal?

Then again, if he'd never left Cassidy and Clementine, if he'd made a life with them, he wouldn't have known there could be a Kate and a Peanut in his life. He wouldn't have known what he was missing. Or would he have somehow felt that what he had wasn't enough? It amazed him how differently life could have turned out for him if he'd made a different choice.

"I don't hate you for it," Cassidy said, interrupting his thoughts. "You might have taken a lot from me, Sawyer – my money, my pride – but you gave me my daughter. The way I see it, the odds ended up being in my favour."

Just then, Sawyer considered asking Cassidy about the bank account he'd set up in Clementine's name. What she thought about it. If she knew about it. He decided not to. It wasn't really the time for it, he decided. Maybe later.

"What does she know about me?" he asked, curious.

"Not much. Not the truth, obviously. She's asked me where her dad was a couple of times. I told her he loved her very much but that he lived far away." Cassidy answered wistfully.

"And she doesn't wonder why, if her daddy loves her so much, he never wants to see her, or call her, or anything?" Sawyer asked incredulously, feeling bitter and self-loathing.

Cassidy simply replied, "She's too young to understand it right now. I think it was enough for her."

"And what about when she was old enough to understand?" He wanted to know what kind of crap she would have come up with to explain to the kid why her dad wasn't around. He'd heard so many variations of it as a kid, when he'd wondered why his own dad had done what he had.

"I was planning on explaining to her that it was because he loved her so much that he stayed away. That he didn't think he'd be a good father, and he knew she'd be happier without him." Cassidy replied softly.

It stung. It shouldn't have sounded so harsh; after all, it was the truth. But there was something about that statement that cut him to the bone.

He didn't want his daughter to think that way. _He_ didn't want to think that way.

"Why didn't you just tell her I was dead, or something?" he asked.

"God, I don't know," she replied, exasperated. "Maybe I hoped you'd change your mind one day. Or maybe I thought about how much she'd hate me if she found out I was lying, if she thought I was the one keeping you from her. And then I thought you _were_ dead, and I didn't want to admit to myself that it might be possible."

"Now what?" asked Sawyer, his mouth dry. He hadn't expected that she'd still care.

"I don't know," Cassidy whispered after a moment. "I don't know what to tell her. She's seen you now, and even if she doesn't know who you are, she's gonna be asking questions."

"What will you tell her?"

All of a sudden, Sawyer saw Cassidy raise her defences. "What should I tell her?"

"Why are you asking me?" he wanted to know.

"Because I need to know what's gonna happen!" She stood up and began pacing in front of him. "Do you want to be part of her life? Are you gonna start calling her, and sending her birthday cards? Or are just you gonna leave again?"

It suddenly struck Sawyer that he didn't even know when her birthday was. Pushing that thought aside for now, he pondered what Cassidy was asking him. "What do you want from me?"

Silent once more, Cassidy sat down again, considering the question. All Sawyer could do was sit under her penetrating stare while she decided on an answer.

"I want you to write her a letter," she finally said. Sawyer stared at her. "When I came to visit you in prison, I asked you to write her a letter, to tell her about yourself. I still want you to do that."

"What will you do with it?" He tried not to think about his last significant letter.

"I'll give it to her when she's older. When she's ready."

"When will that be?" Sawyer asked, trying to remain calm. Was this it? Was this all he was going to get?

Cassidy shrugged, infuriating Sawyer. Seeing his obvious frustration, she elaborated. "I've never done this before. I don't know what's going to happen; with you, with me. I have to think about Clementine, and do what's best for her. I'm not saying I won't let you see her. I just want to take this slowly. Maybe you could visit a few times, with Kate and the baby, and get to know Clementine before I tell her who you are."

Sawyer felt more at ease after hearing that. So she was open to giving him a chance. That was something.

"What's the letter for then?" he asked.

"In case it doesn't work out," was all Cassidy said. Sawyer considered this, trying to keep Clementine's best interests in mind. It made sense.

"I'm not going to leave her again," Sawyer said, meaning every word.

"I believe you," Cassidy replied sincerely, though she looked at him pityingly. "But what about Kate? How long is she going to put up with there being another woman in your life? She's already worried about it, and if you can't see that..." she trailed off.

More to convince himself that anything, he said nervously, "We'll be fine." Suddenly he was terrified.

"Maybe," Cassidy mused. "Maybe not." She glanced down the hallway, perhaps to ensure she wasn't being overheard, before continuing. "I knew her before you did, Sawyer. I know what her life

was like. She doesn't deserve this. The last thing she needs is for another man in her life to hurt her. She won't stick around if you do anything to her. And I can guarantee that if she leaves, she'll be taking her daughter with her."

Sawyer was frozen. He couldn't move. This sounded too much like a threat, and the worst part was he knew she was right.

"And I swear, if you do anything to hurt my daughter, you'll regret it," she added softly. "So you need to decide what you're gonna do. Either leave me and Clementine alone, write that letter, and have a good life with Kate, or be a part of Clementine's life, and risk losing your family."

"I can make it work," he insisted. He had to believe that. "I don't have to choose between them. Hell, there are plenty of people out there doing the extended family thing and it works out fine."

"I know," she agreed hesitantly. "I just want you to understand the risk you're taking. If you try to have everything, you risk losing everything. Kate would tell you the same thing."

He shook his head, fighting back the overwhelming fear that came with those words. "I can't abandon my daughter again. I want to be a part of her life. And Kate understands that," he pleaded.

Finally, Cassidy let it go. "All right. Just promise me you'll talk to Kate. Find out what she thinks about all this. Then we'll figure out what to do next."

"Why do you think Kate would leave?" He had to ask. She'd wanted him to meet his daughter, after all. Surely that meant she knew what she was getting herself into.

Cassidy didn't look at him as she answered. "Because last time I saw her, I told her I still loved you."

For a second, Sawyer was tempted to start asking follow up questions. Had she meant it? Did she still think that way? How could she ever have thought that after all he'd done to her? He stopped himself. Some things were better left unsaid.

Kate's attitude in the past week now made a little bit more sense. He'd definitely wondered, when she insisted on coming here. The fact that someone else saw it made it more likely to be true. However, he didn't want to assume that it was her only concern; she'd said herself that the whole situation reminded her of her parents. But it was something else to think about. Some other fear he would have to do his best to dissolve.

With that confession made, Sawyer knew it was time for them to leave. He felt a little like he was running out, avoiding a confrontation, but he figured it was for the best. He'd done what they'd planned, and he had to admit that it had worked out fairly well. At least, it could have gone a lot worse.

As though Cassidy realised what he was thinking, she stood up. Sawyer followed suit.

Hesitantly, Cassidy said, "Do you mind waiting outside for Kate? It's just, I think it'll be easier if Clementine doesn't see too much of you today. She'll already have about a million questions for me as it is."

Painfully, Sawyer agreed. After a quick and uncomfortable farewell, he headed back out to the car. After a few minutes, Kate exited the house, Cassidy walking behind her carrying Peanut. Kate paused at the door, finishing up a conversation with Cassidy. He strained to see her, to figure out what they were saying. Cassidy looked serious as she spoke, but Kate's face was turned away from him; he couldn't see her expression at all. He watched as they hugged, and then Cassidy passed the napping toddler back to her mother. Just before Kate left, he saw her wave to someone inside the house, and he could only assume that Clementine was lurking somewhere close by.

Kate seemed more relaxed now than she had before; she was all smiles as she passed Peanut to Sawyer. He was relieved at that.

"Did it go alright?" she asked casually as she deposited her bag in the car.

Before he could answer her, he saw Clementine appear at the door behind Cassidy, out of her line of sight. She gazed at him inquisitively. After a few seconds, he risked smiling at her.

To his delight, she grinned back.

As he turned to put Peanut in her car seat, he held onto that image.

"It was fine," he told Kate.

_tbc._


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12.

The mood in the car was much more relaxed on the drive home than it had been before. There was still silence, though it was far easier now. Sawyer was almost wary of breaking it, but he had an idea and now seemed like as good a time as any to suggest it.

"I was thinking," he began slowly, waiting to get Kate's attention. "Maybe we should go on a date tonight."

Kate looked at him as though he'd suddenly grown another head.

"What, is the idea that crazy?" Sawyer wanted to know.

"No," replied Kate quickly, clearly confused. "But why? We've never been on a date before."

"Sounds like a good reason to me, Freckles," he answered wisely.

At a loss for words, Kate turned back to stare out the window, probably wondering what had come over him. He decided to spare her the difficulty.

"I want to spoil you," he admitted. Kate didn't look at him, but out of the corner of his eye he saw her expression soften into a smile. He added, "I want to make up for everything I've put you through."

She glanced over at him, looking almost guilty. "You don't have to do that," she said, shaking her head.

"I want to," he told her firmly. Now that he'd made up his mind, there was to be no changing it.

She smiled, turning in her seat so she was facing him. Reaching over to touch his shoulder, she said "I'd love to go on a date with you."

Keeping his eye on the road, he reached up to grab her hand, kissing her knuckles before letting it go.

A comfortable silence reigned over them once more, and continued the rest of the way home.

* * *

"I'm gonna call Hurley and ask him to watch Peanut tonight." Sawyer announced as they walked through their front door.

Kate stopped in her tracks. "No, I don't think that's such a good idea."

Sawyer had been expecting her to say that; it was why he'd waited so long to bring up this part of the plan. It had also given him time to come up with a rebuttal for every argument he was sure she'd have.

"Why not?" he asked, knowing she needed to get her concerns out in the open.

"It's short notice, don't you think? Hurley might have plans." Kate reasoned.

"I'm pretty sure he doesn't. He offered to watch Peanut while we went to see Cassidy, and he said he'd be prepared for any disaster that came out of it. His words, not mine," he added quickly when he saw the look on Kate's face.

She played with the hem of the toddler's jacket, looking worried, avoiding Sawyer's eyes. "She's never spent a night away from us before," Kate said softly.

"She'll be fine," he reassured her. "What's the worst that can happen?"

Kate looked at him as though he'd temporarily gone insane. Before she could explain to him exactly what could go wrong, he quickly added, "Okay, but how likely is it that the worst will actually happen?"

He gave her an almost daring look, jokingly challenging her to answer the question. After a few seconds of this, her anxiety visibly faded, and she smiled.

"Okay?" Sawyer asked, wanting her, for some reason, to actually say the word.

"Okay," she agreed with only a little reluctance. "But this is a one-off. I don't want her getting used to being away from us," she added more firmly.

"All right then," Sawyer announced. "Why don't you get her ready to go, and I'll organise the rest."

As he strode out of the room he was sure he heard Kate muffle a laugh. He knew he was acting out of the ordinary, but for once he didn't care about keeping up appearances. He owed her this, and if she was as determined that it be a one-off event as she'd seemed to be, then he had to make it a night to remember.

* * *

As soon as Kate set her daughter down in her bedroom, the toddler made a beeline for her stack of building blocks. Kate smiled, watching her for a moment, before heading to the dresser. She didn't really want to do this. She understood Sawyer's reasoning, and she agreed that they needed it. It had been so long since they'd had time to themselves, and it seemed like it had been even longer since their lives had been drama-free.

However, separation anxiety was already building up inside her.

She remained where she was, lost in her thoughts, completely unaware of how quickly time was passing until Sawyer entered the room. Remembering what she was supposed to be doing, she hurriedly began grabbing things out of drawers and stuffing them into a bag.

The minute Peanut saw her father she abandoned her toys and ran into his arms, demanding a hug. Sawyer lifted her over his head and gently shook her around a little before settling her closer to his body. Listening to her giggles, he finally turned to Kate. She was glad he'd allowed her that time to compose herself.

"Hurley's agreed to take her for the night," he began. Kate forced herself to smile, to be excited. She was relieved to find it only took a small amount of conscious effort; despite her misgivings she was really starting to look forward to this.

Sawyer added, "I told him you'd be around to drop her off soon."

Kate raised her eyebrow at that. "I thought you were going to be organising everything?" she asked.

"I am," Sawyer told her warily.

"So shouldn't you take her to Hurley's? Give me time to relax, get ready for ... whatever it is you have planned?" she teased.

Sawyer smirked. "If I have to drop her off at Hurley's, I won't have time to organise things," he said logically. "And you'll have plenty of time to get ready for tonight. Don't worry about it Freckles, I've got it covered," he added confidently.

Now Kate couldn't help laughing a little. There was something about his tone that was so amusing. She often wondered if he was aware of it, and used it to his advantage.

Suddenly, she wasn't close enough to him. In a few quick steps she solved the problem, moving over to him and wrapping her arms around him and their daughter. Her family. She sighed deeply, breathing in their scents. This was where she felt most at home. As she always did when she was in this position, she wondered how she'd managed to get so lucky.

Eventually they broke apart. Kate picked up Peanut's hastily packed bag and the three headed downstairs. After one last goodbye kiss Sawyer handed the toddler to Kate, and headed into the kitchen. Kate watched him leave before heading outside. As she organised everything in the car she wondered what she'd find when she got back from Hurley's.

* * *

The minute Kate stepped through the front door after arriving home from dropping off Peanut, Sawyer rushed out of the kitchen. Grinning at the comical look on his face she started towards him, only to be met by him half-way. Putting his hands on her shoulders he spun her around, ushering her towards the stairs.

"Don't even think about coming through here until I say so," he said, firmly yet gently.

"Why not?" Kate asked, feigning innocence.

Sawyer saw right through her act, the look on his face telling her this clearer than any words ever could.

"Tonight's a surprise, Freckles," he explained nonetheless. "Can't let you see the display when it's only half done, can I?"

"What display?" Kate continued playing along, though she was a little confused by this point. "Are we eating here?"

"Of course we are! Where else would we eat?" Sawyer asked, allowing Kate to turn around to look at him. The minute he saw her trying to steal a look behind him, however, he turned her back, encircling his arms around her to hold her place.

"A restaurant, maybe?" she suggested sarcastically, leaning against him comfortably.

"Well, putting aside the fact that I couldn't get a reservation at such short notice," he began, causing her to chuckle, a movement that spread from her body to his, "I think you'll find this to be much better. Think about it Freckles," he murmured, his head dipping so his mouth was right next to her ear. She could feel his smile against her skin, and she could easily imagine his dimples on display as he continued speaking. "We're in the comfort and privacy of our own home. No need to put on act, no one to tell us what to wear or how to behave. We're free to be ourselves. What restaurant on Earth could offer us that?"

On impulse, Kate turned and pulled Sawyer in for a deep, passionate kiss. Once again, she relished in the thought that she'd found someone who _really_ understood her.

It was Sawyer who pulled away first; reluctantly, it seemed.

"Much as I'd love to continue this now, Freckles, we have a dinner to get ready for. So how about you head on up and get dressed? There's a warm bath waiting for you too, if you want it."

Kate was very tempted to tell Sawyer to forget about their dinner plans, but she held it back. Everything about having a date was new and special for them, and she very much wanted to go along with whatever he had planned, just to see how it fit them.

"What should I wear?" she asked.

"Whatever you want," replied Sawyer, giving it no thought. "I'll call you when everything's ready."

One last lingering kiss on the lips and Kate left Sawyer, heading upstairs. She could feel his eyes following her the whole way.

Entering the bedroom, Kate was suddenly assaulted by the scent of the ocean, momentarily pushing aside thoughts of her date. She closed her eyes and breathed it in, certain it was a phantom smell that would soon vanish.

It didn't. If anything, it became stronger the longer she inhaled it. Opening her eyes again, she noticed the door to the adjoining bathroom was ajar. Remembering Sawyer's comment about a bath, she moved towards the door, the smell of the ocean growing stronger with each step. By the time she reached it she was almost dizzy with the smell. She pushed open the door, revealing a bathtub full of water, bubbles glimmering on the surface enticingly. Perched on the counter was the source of the smell; a bottle of ocean-scented bubble bath.

Kate picked it up in disbelief. Here in her hands was more proof of Sawyer's supreme knowledge of her; a little piece of their first home together. Still she couldn't help wondering, albeit briefly, when and where he'd gotten it. How long had he been planning something like this?

Kate knelt beside the tub, dipping her hand in the water, feeling the temperature. It was perfect. She couldn't fathom how Sawyer had managed that. How had he known what time she would be home?

She decided to stop thinking about it, and just appreciate it.

Standing up, she quickly stripped out of her clothes and slipped into the water. The warmth of it settled around her, cradling her. Letting out a sigh and feeling muscles she hadn't even known to be tense relax, she closed her eyes, took in another deep breathe of that clear ocean smell, and drifted back to the island.

She wasn't used to this. She'd never been a girly-type of a girl. Makeovers and pampering sessions had never interested her. Still, she thought maybe she could handle something like this every once in awhile.

She'd almost dozed off when she heard a shrill noise coming from downstairs, almost immediately followed by Sawyer swearing. As suddenly as the noise began, it stopped, and silence fell again. Kate's heart stood still as she struggled to think of what to do. Before she could worry too much, Sawyer called out, "It's okay! It's just the smoke detector!"

Kate thought that was a bit of a contradiction, but still, he hadn't sounded worried, so she figured it was safe.

The magic had evaporated though, so Kate decided to finish getting ready. Getting out of the tub, she dried herself off, and then wandered into the bedroom to figure out what to wear.

It was a problem. Sawyer had said to wear what she wanted, but she wasn't sure what that was. Her closet offered little inspiration. Most of her clothes were practical, for everyday purposes, and although they were what she'd be the most comfortable in, they didn't feel right for a dinner date. There were a couple of dresses she'd never worn, and she didn't plan on starting now. Shoved to the back were the formal skirts and blouses she'd worn to her trial. She never wanted to see them again, and made a mental note to get rid of them as soon as she could. Maybe she could burn them on a bonfire. It seemed a fitting end for them.

For now, though, she ignored them, focussing on the task at hand. She remembered what Sawyer had said, about this being the one place on earth where they could be themselves, and realised it didn't matter what she wore. She and Sawyer had been through so much together that they always saw what was lurking just below the surface. They knew each other inside out, no matter how they looked on the outside. She didn't have to pretend to be someone else with him.

So, inspired by the scent of the ocean, filled with memories of how they'd met, Kate put on the first pair of jeans and tank top her hands touched. She left her feet bare and her hair out, and, ignoring her jewellery box and make up, left the room and headed downstairs.

Sawyer appeared just as she reached the bottom.

"How do I look?" she asked, slowly turning so he could get a proper look at her ensemble.

He appraised her seriously, even though she'd intended the gesture as a joke. "Perfect," he declared. It was the highest compliment she'd ever received, she thought.

"Good timing, too," he added. "I was just about to call you. You're table is ready," he finished pompously, holding out his arm. Grinning, Kate allowed him to lead her through to the kitchen.

"Why aren't we eating in the dining room?" Kate wondered. "It's more formal."

"Because," Sawyer pointed out, "If we ate in there I'd have to keep leaving the room to bring the food in."

With that, Kate was finally able to see the trouble he'd gone to in the kitchen. She paused at the doorway, stunned.

There were candles everywhere, hundreds of them, she thought, their flickering light covering every surface. The effect was mesmerising. For the second time that night, Kate felt her mind drift back to the island.

She glanced over at Sawyer, who, she realised, had been watching closely to see her reaction.

"Is this what set the smoke detector off?" she asked wryly.

Sawyer smiled guiltily. "Remind me to put the batteries back in later."

Kate nodded, still slightly speechless. She began to slowly walk around the room, committing the sight to memory, amazed by how mystical and different it seemed. As she walked, a small mark on the wall caught her eye.

"What's this?" she asked Sawyer, running her fingers over it.

"That, uh..." as Sawyer began, Kate turned towards him. There was something in his voice that scared her a little.

"That day, when you left," he continued, clearly struggling to speak, "I got... angry, and I kicked a chair..." he trailed off lamely.

Kate stood still, processing this. She could understand, in a way. She knew who he was and how he reacted to things. It was a little disconcerting, but even so, it wasn't like it was a big deal.

Still, there was something about his demeanour that didn't quite match with what he'd said. He'd obviously thought it was something to worry about, so much so that he'd been afraid to tell her. Even now, he was tense, worried about her reaction.

She smiled at him reassuringly. "Let's eat," she said simply. Sawyer visibly relaxed, but as he glanced away for a second she thought she saw a hint of guilt in his eye. She decided not to let it bother her for now. She'd get to the bottom of it later, she decided. Not tonight.

Sawyer made a show of pulling out Kate's chair for her. She struggled not to laugh. She could already see how this evening would go; for all his talk about their home being a place where they could be themselves, he was apparently determined to be someone other than himself for her. She wasn't sure why he thought she'd want that. Then again, maybe he wasn't aware he was doing it. She knew this was a part of him that had made a living in the past, being what every woman wanted. The ideal date. But she wasn't like other women.

They made it through the entree and the main meal before Kate had had enough. She'd been enjoying herself, she had to admit, but the situation was a little _too_ ideal. She'd grown bored with being treated like royalty. She wanted her Sawyer back, the one she'd fallen in love with, and she 

wanted him to treat her like his Freckles. The twinkling lights gave her back the sense of freedom she'd had on the island, and with it came a sense of mischief.

"So, I've been thinking about dying my hair," she said conversationally, pretending to ignore the way Sawyer choked on his food at the suggestion. "I was thinking blonde," she continued, speaking a little louder to be heard over his coughing. "Maybe red; I haven't decided yet. What do you think?"

"Are you insane?" Sawyer blurted out incredulously, his voice hoarse. Kate grinned wickedly at him in response. When Sawyer saw that she'd been joking, he looked relieved.

"Are you trying to kill me, woman?" he asked, throwing a dinner roll at her. She threw it back, harder, a challenge glimmering in her eyes. For a second Sawyer looked like he was about to retaliate again, but he instead raised his hands in mock defeat.

"You win," he said gallantly, "but only because I'm sparing us the agony of having to clean the whole kitchen later."

Glad the formality had disappeared, Kate relaxed, rearranging herself so that one foot was on her seat and she could drape an arm over her knee. Sawyer watched her move, grinning.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you not to put your feet on the furniture?" he asked mockingly.

"Shut up, it's comfortable," Kate replied. Letting her mind wonder for a minute, she then asked, "Do you think we should call Hurley? Make sure Peanut's okay?"

Sawyer, in the process of clearing the dishes, just shrugged. "I'm sure she's fine."

"You're not worried?" Kate asked. Usually Sawyer was the first to worry about her daughter, not her.

"Hurley would call if there were any problems," he reasoned. He paused, setting the dishes down on the counter. "Do you want to call him? Cause if you're worried, we can call him," he added hastily.

"No, you're right," Kate said. "She'll be fine." By saying at aloud, she was almost able to convince herself it was true.

"Are you sure?" Sawyer asked, looking at her closely.

Kate considered it for a second, but the worry was evaporating. "I'm sure."

"Okay then," Sawyer replied, heading to the fridge. "Close your eyes; it's time for dessert."

"Why do I have to close my eyes?" she asked, doing it anyway.

There was silence, until Sawyer spoke right in her ear, making her jump. "Because it's a surprise. Now you can open them."

She did, staring at the plate that had appeared before her, and for a moment struggled to figure out what to make of it. Realisation dawned on her gradually.

"You made fish biscuits?!" she said gleefully.

"Sure did," he replied proudly. "But I think you'll find mine taste much better than the last ones we had. These are chocolate."

As crazy as it sounded, the sight of the fish biscuits delighted Kate more than anything else so far that evening. It was a nice acknowledgment of their time spent in those cages, when everything changed between them. In a way, it was what had started them on the path that had led them here.

As they ate, they started sharing memories of the island. If anyone had told them before that they'd find humour in having bags put over their heads to go between buildings, or that Sawyer's tale of Ben shaking a rabbit in a cage until it keeled over would have Kate at risk of falling off her chair from laughing, they never would have believed it. Yet here they were, the fear long passed, and what was once considered dangerous was now a source of entertainment.

Finally, the laughter ceased. Their plates were empty, but neither made any attempt to clear them away.

"So, what do you think? Pretty good for a first date, wasn't it?" Sawyer asked after awhile.

Kate was taken aback. "It's not over yet, is it?" she asked, feigning shock.

"Definitely not," he replied, giving her his trademark grin. "I've been wanting to this for awhile," he added, growing serious. "Ever since your trial ended. Just never seemed to find the time."

Kate didn't know what to say to that. He loved her. She knew it, and yet every so often he'd do something like this to show her, and her heart would melt all over again. Needing something to do, she stood and began clearing the table. Sawyer got up to help her, and as they moved around the kitchen in some kind of seamless dance, Kate was suddenly struck by her domestic they'd become. Furthermore, she was surprised by how much she liked it.

"Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back," Sawyer said mysteriously. Kate nodded and continued cleaning up. When he didn't come back straight away, though, she decided to go and investigate.

When she found him, she saw right away that she'd caught him in the act of something. Once she saw the phone in his hand, which he'd clearly been trying to hide from her, she knew what it was.

"You called Hurley, didn't you?" she asked knowingly.

"Alright, you got me," he replied, setting the phone down. "It's strange not having her here, isn't it?" he added after a pause.

"Yeah," was all Kate managed to say. Suddenly, she missed her daughter like crazy. Sawyer was by her side in an instant.

"She's fine," he reassured her as he pulled her into a hug.

"I'm sorry," Kate whispered tearfully into Sawyer's shirt. "You've gone to so much effort and I'm ruining it all."

"Hey," he said as he rubbed her back, "Don't say that. You haven't ruined anything. Tonight was supposed to be all about you, and if you'd feel better with Layla here, we can go and get her right now."

Kate pulled back a little and stared at him.

"What?" he asked, wondering about the sudden change.

"You called her Layla," Kate said, bemused.

"And?"

"You've never called her Layla! It's always been a nickname, ever since she was born. Even when we first introduced her to everyone, you never said her name. I did all the introductions." Kate was trying not to laugh at Sawyer's expression as she said this. "What changed?"

Sawyer avoided her eyes, looking embarrassed. "Something Hurley said. Apparently he tried calling to her to get her attention before. She wouldn't answer to her name. She only answered to Peanut."

Kate burst out laughing.

"It's not funny! Our daughter doesn't know what her name is!" Sawyer said indignantly. It only made her laugh even harder.

"I _told_ you not to call her Peanut," she managed to say eventually, still chuckling.

"Yeah, well. It's not like you've never called her that, either. For someone who hated the name, you sure use it a lot," he reminded her, looking slightly ashamed.

"True." Kate conceded. "We'd better tell everyone to call her Layla from now on before she's scarred for life."

She leaned back against him, sighing contentedly.

"So should we bring her home?" Sawyer asked.

"No, I'm okay now," Kate replied. "I'll be fine without her for one night."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure." She reached up, pulling him in for a deep kiss. "You'll just have to keep me distracted tonight," she whispered suggestively into his ear.

"Really?" he said in a low growl, lightly raking his fingers through her hair.

"Mm hmm," she murmured, kissing him again. When they finally came up for air, she added breathlessly, "Think you can manage that?"

Deciding actions spoke louder than words, Sawyer backed Kate up until she was pressed firmly against a wall and began kissing a path down her body.

"Guess we'll have to find out, won't we?" he whispered, his lips against her neck. Kate let her eyes fall closed, allowing her other senses to take control.

Every thought that wasn't of the here and now had already slipped from her mind.

_tbc._

* * *

_So, now you know her name. My original plan was to reveal it in the final chapter (but that was back when the story was only going to be about 7 chapters long). Aren't you glad I got sick of trying to find ways to hide it?_

_Please leave a review; I'm not used to writing romance and I'd love to know how I went._


	13. Chapter 13

Thanks a bunch to all my reviewers! And Emma, if you consider reviewing bothering me, by all means, keep on bothering me. I love it. ParisAmy, there'll be more mentions of Clementine (especially in this chapter) for sure, but I'm not sure if she'll actually make another appearance herself. If I can get it to fit with what I have planned, I'll do it. Kepp the questions and comments coming!

Chapter 13.

It was the middle of the day, the sun was shining, and Sawyer was holed up in his study, fighting a furious battle with a pen and some paper. It had taken some time, but he'd finally decided to sit down and write the heartfelt letter to Clementine that her mother had requested. He'd been working on it for hours, and he'd gotten nowhere.

As he tried to write, Cassidy's voice replayed in his head. His frustration, anger and fear grew throughout the torturous process. He felt like by writing the letter he was resigning himself to the fact that this was it, this was all he'd ever get, and so he wanted to give up. Yet at the same time he knew that if he didn't do it, Cassidy wouldn't give him a chance.

Still, it was hard to write a letter to a girl he'd seen for all of two seconds, someone he didn't know and who didn't know him, not knowing when or if she'd ever read it. Should he write as if he knew her? Should he assume they'd have a stable relationship in the future, or would it better to write as though he was introducing himself to her for the first time? Should he write it for a child, or a teenager, or an adult? And what was he supposed to say, anyway? Every attempt he'd made, every fragment of a sentence he'd written so far, was currently spilling off the edge of the desk onto the floor in the form of scrunched up paper balls.

Kate was giving him his space as he struggled with these questions. She was unpacking from their trip, taking her time, he thought, finding any excuse she could to leave him alone for as long as possible.

As strange as it sounded, it only proved how their relationship had improved in the past few days. Ever since their date, they'd been more open with each other, more relaxed. It was something they should have done long ago, and Sawyer had decided it was something they were going to do more often from now on.

He noticed then that he'd been staring at the still blank paper for some time, thinking. His frustration quickly escalated as he realised just how often and easily he was getting distracted. At this rate, he'd never get it done.

At that moment, Kate entered the room, Layla perched on her hip. Stopping in the middle of the room, Kate surveyed the scene.

"How's it going?"

Sawyer didn't bother answering. The screwed up balls of paper surrounding him were answer enough.

"That bad, huh?" Kate said sympathetically. Sawyer sighed in response, exasperated.

"Well, as I was finishing unpacking, I found something that might inspire you." Her tone was that mock-serious one they often used with each other when they thought what they were saying sounded snobbish and ridiculous. It was more than enough to pique Sawyer's interest. He watched Kate curiously as she set Layla down and pulled out a folded bit of paper.

She held it out to him, and he slowly moved to take it. He sensed it was significant, and as he unfolded it he was apprehensive about what he was about to see.

Once the paper was open in his hands, he stared at it, taking awhile for the image to sink in. It was a crayon drawing, bright and colourful. Scrawled across the bottom in untidy letters was the word "Clementine". Kate leaned over the back of his chair, her chin resting on his shoulder, pointing to the different parts of the picture, explaining it to him.

"It's an island, see? There's a treasure chest buried under that palm tree; that's why the pirate's there. His ship is on the other side of the island, but it's hidden behind that mountain so you can't see it. And that's a dolphin. She says they're her favourite thing to draw. And," she finished with a flourish, "there are mermaids in the ocean. She was going to draw that picture later."

Sawyer listened to her talk, mesmerised by the story she was telling. The fact that she was telling it at all meant the world to him. The affection in her voice for that little girl, no relation to her but her family all the same, overwhelmed him.

"She's good," he said, admiring the picture.

"Yeah," Kate agreed. "You should have seen her room, there were drawings everywhere. She let me keep this one. She's going to be an artist when she grows up, she said."

Sawyer was now lost in thought. This daughter he was supposed to be writing a deep and meaningful letter to was less of a stranger now than she'd been a few minutes ago. He could do this, he realised.

As he was thinking this, feeling a renewed motivation wash over him, Kate quickly kissed him on the cheek. "I'll leave you to it," she said quietly. He leaned against her for a moment before she slipped away.

Almost immediately, her presence was replaced by a small hand on his knee. Glancing down, he watched Layla use his leg to pull herself into a standing position. As soon as she saw she had his attention, she stretched her arms up towards him, silently demanding to be picked up. Sawyer complied. He could never deny his daughter what she wanted. Part of him realised this was a habit he'd eventually have to break, lest he and Kate found themselves with a spoiled princess of a teenager one day. Usually, he figured he had plenty of time before it came to that.

"Do you want me to take her?" Kate offered from the doorway. Sawyer shook his head, and Kate left.

Sawyer looked down at the blank piece of paper in front of him, determined to conquer it. After a few seconds, his eyes strayed to the picture Kate had left behind. He moved it, propping it up against a lamp, in an easy to see spot. Just as he was about to pick up the pen again, Layla started to squirm. He ran a hand over her head, smoothing her dark curls, hoping it would calm her. It didn't. She started to struggle even more, the look of frustration on her face amusing Sawyer. Realising what she wanted, he helped her to stand up in his lap. Even then, she tried to protest against his hand holding her firmly in place.

Still, this was one time Sawyer refused to give in. The last thing he wanted was for her to fall.

Eventually, she settled long enough for Sawyer to glance down at the paper again. The beginnings of a coherent thought were forming in his mind when Layla started struggling against him again, this time to get down. As he set her on the floor, Sawyer shook his head at her inability to stay still.

Now, he could write. He was amazed at how easy it was. Still, his thoughts were not free-flowing. He was frequently distracted; noticing a new detail in Clementine's drawing every time he looked, glancing over at Layla at every little noise. She'd discovered a ragdoll lurking in a corner of the room, and was now examining it with interest. She was the picture of childhood innocence; happy, not a care in the world.

It stirred the guilt in him, as it was a stark contrast to the image she'd portrayed barely two weeks ago. Every night since, he'd been haunted by her cry of fear, and he constantly relived that moment when his anger had gotten the better of him. He scrutinised every detail; the speed of the chair travelling across the room, the force with which it had hit the wall. The exact distance between it and his daughter. The moment he'd forgotten his child was present. The moment he'd snapped.

Kate knew something was wrong. She always knew. And Sawyer knew that for as long as the guilt affected him, it would eat away at her, too. They would suffer together, and she wouldn't even understand why.

He wanted to tell her. He knew from experience that telling someone would ease the crushing pressure in his chest. And Kate was always the one he went to when he had something to confess.

He'd come close, so many times. He couldn't do it. After everything she'd said about her fear of being like her mother, he couldn't crush her like this, just to relieve his own suffering. He wasn't that selfish.

Even so, he hated lying to her. He knew that Kate's main concern was for her daughter, as it should be. She was determined that Layla would have the happy, loving, and above all safe life neither of them had had. But now, as he watched Layla play with that ridiculous-looking doll, he couldn't help comparing the situations.

Kate's father had been abusive. He didn't know all the details, and he wasn't prepared to push Kate for them, but the one thing he did know was that all Kate had ever wanted was to get away from him, and her mother had never allowed. Sawyer couldn't even begin to understand Diane's reasoning. From what Kate had said, she'd always firmly denied that there was anything wrong in that house. She apparently hadn't seen how it had been affecting her daughter, Sawyer thought.

Was he any better? By not telling Kate what had happened, by not allowing her to see the whole story, he was virtually putting her in Diane's place.

Sure, it had only happened once. It couldn't really be compared to a lifetime of ill-treatment. For that reason, he was able to convince himself that Kate didn't need to know. But there were times, when the memory tormented his soul and turned his mind towards the darkest of places, that he believed it was only a matter of time before it happened again. It was in those times that he wanted Kate to know. He wanted to let her inside his head, to show her the images as they played on a loop in his mind, to let her hear Layla's screams. All so she would leave, take their daughter, and get as far away from his as possible, so they could have a life without fear.

He was going to tell her, he decided. She had a right to know. If he was overreacting, then they could laugh about it together. If he wasn't...

It had to be her decision. She had to have all the facts. He was going to make sure she had the control over her life she'd always wanted, no matter what it cost him. Feeling resolved, Sawyer stood up. He picked up Layla and slowly headed out of the room to find Kate.

She was curled up on the couch, working intently on a crossword puzzle. She looked up the minute Sawyer entered the room, and sensing something was going on, immediately asked, "What's wrong?"

Sawyer sighed. Kate was tense, expecting the worst, and already he was regretting his decision. It was too late to back out now, though.

"I gotta tell you something," he said evenly, putting Layla down. She ran over to Kate and demanded to be picked up. Kate obliged, never taking her eyes off Sawyer.

"Okay," she said, steeling herself for the news. Sawyer sat opposite her, thinking of how best to explain.

"You remember, when we had dinner the other night, you asked me about that mark on the wall?" he began. Kate nodded, confused.

"And I told you it was because I kicked a chair across the room?" he continued with difficulty. Kate nodded again, though there was a hint of understanding in her eyes now.

"That wasn't the whole story." He watched her, trying to get a feel on how this was going, and how it would go when he told her the rest.

Kate didn't look surprised. "What is the whole story?" she asked nervously after a minute.

Sawyer took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. He thought this would have been so much easier if Layla wasn't sitting in Kate's lap, staring at him. He looked at her, rather than Kate, as he explained.

"Layla was there when it happened." He saw Kate glance down at their daughter, as though looking for some kind of sign of what had happened, some evidence that she should have seen. He saw her grip tighten on her protectively. He still didn't look at her eyes. He didn't want to see the hurt, or the fear, or the disbelief he'd imagined he'd see since it had happened.

"Where was she?" Kate asked shakily. Sawyer knew she was looking for a way out of this, some way of passing it off as nothing. He couldn't give it to her.

"She was on the floor of the kitchen, where you left her." The second those words escaped from him, he wished he could take them back. Kate's hands, still holding onto Layla, were now visibly shaking. Now she would think it was her fault, he thought, and he knew there was nothing he could say now to convince her otherwise.

"I forgot she was there," he added, in a strange bid to put the blame back on himself. "I only remembered when she started screaming. She was terrified."

"Stop," Kate said, her voice surprisingly firm. "Just stop it. I don't want to hear it."

Her response infuriated Sawyer. "What, you just want to pretend it didn't happen?!" he asked incredulously.

"Why are you only telling me now?" she shot back at him. "Don't tell me, the guilt got to be too much. And now you've convinced yourself you're a bad person, and you want me to make you feel better. How many times do we have to do this before you get it, Sawyer? People make mistakes. We both made mistakes that night. Let's just move on."

He scoffed at her answer, getting angry. "Are you serious? You already think this is your fault, I can see it. You think that if you hadn't left, it wouldn't have happened. You're blaming yourself for something I did."

"It was one time," Kate pleaded, practically begging him to calm down and be reasonable. "And you didn't hurt her."

"What if I had?" he asked, his voice low and dangerous now. "What would you be saying then?"

"You didn't hurt her," Kate repeated, ignoring the question. "You'd never hurt her."

"You don't know that," Sawyer protested. "I didn't know where she was. We were lucky. What if we're not so lucky next time?"

"There isn't going to _be _a next time," she snapped.

"Do you realise who you sound like?" Sawyer asked, changing focus. Kate looked at him, confused. He smiled bitterly at her. "He didn't do anything to her," he mimicked. "He won't hurt her again, he won't hurt me again. It was an accident. It was my fault."

All the colour drained from Kate's face, but Sawyer wasn't done yet. He needed her to understand, finally, exactly why he was so worried about what had happened. "Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree," he finished.

As he and Kate stared into each other's eyes, Sawyer could see a million thoughts racing through her mind. It was only when she stood up with Layla, who'd remarkably remained relatively quiet throughout the whole disagreement, that everything fell into place in Sawyer's own mind, and he fully realised what he'd just done.

He'd pushed her too far, he'd put dangerous thoughts in her head, and he didn't think he'd be able to fix it.

Still, when she headed upstairs he let her go. He figured that any attempt to hold a reasonable conversation about what had just happened would fall flat. They both needed time to process their thoughts.

That was his initial thinking, at least. After about five minutes he decided he needed to deal with this, now, before anything else happened that he would regret.

He followed Kate's path upstairs, finding her in Layla's room, and froze in the doorway. She paused in her packing, and looked at him. However, it didn't last long. She resumed packing after only a couple of seconds, an action that promoted Sawyer to move again.

"What are you doing?" he asked, taking a step inside the room.

Without pausing for a moment or even looking at him, Kate replied "What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Why?" Sawyer asked, stunned. Even though only a few hours ago he'd wanted her to get as far away from him as possible, he never really imagined it would actually happen.

"Do you want me to leave?" Kate asked, getting straight to the point. It was a mix between a threat and a plea.

Sawyer didn't know what to say. Of course he didn't want her to go. He never wanted to have to live without her, without Layla. And he was scared that if she did leave, he'd never see either of them again.

Yet at the same time, he hated that she was asking him. Why couldn't she just go, if that was what she wanted to do? Why did she have to pin it on him?

He wanted to beg her to stay, to hold onto her and never let her go, to show her how much she meant to him; how empty his life would be without her. At the same time, he wanted to scream at her to get out, to stop playing this blame game, to stop toying with him.

In the end, he decided to tell her what he really wanted.

"I want you to feel safe," he told her. "And if that means getting away from me, I won't try to stop you."

Sawyer then left the room, feeling like a coward. He wanted her to make up her own mind about what was best for her and her daughter, and he knew she couldn't do that while he was there, staring at her, waiting for a decision.

He retreated to the study, where his eyes fell upon that little crayon drawing, and the letter he'd written. Both seemed as though they were from a lifetime ago.

Collapsing into his chair once more, he picked up the letter and read over what he'd written.

_Dear Clementine,_

_I don't know when you're reading this. I don't know how old you are, or if you know who I am. Just in case you don't know, I'm your father._

_You probably heard a lot of bad things about me while you were growing up. It's probably all true. I won't tell you how I met your mother, or why I left. If you don't already know, it's not my place to tell you._

_I do know what your mother was planning on telling you about me. She was going to tell you that I left to protect you, that you were better off without me. That's not the whole truth. I did think you'd be better off without me, but I also left because I thought I'd be better off without you. You have every right to hate me for that._

_It's different now. Again, I'm not sure if you know, but you have a half-sister. You're probably wondering why I stuck around for her, but not for you. I was a different man when you were born. I wasn't fit to be a father. I didn't even find out about you until after you were born. I know that's not an excuse, but it's all I have._

_You met your sister a few days ago, and I think you liked her. It was the first day I saw you, and I'm hoping it's not the last. I want to be a part of your life. As you're reading this, you know how that turned out. Maybe you spoke to me just a couple of hours ago. Or maybe you don't even know what I look like. Whatever happened, just know that what happened was for the best._

_I want you to have a good life, and if a good life for you is one without me, then so be it. But if you ever need my help, for anything, all you have to do is ask for it. _

He left it unsigned for now. After he finished reading, he remained where he was, trying not to listen to what Kate was doing. He didn't want to know what she'd decided, not until he absolutely had to.

Casting his eyes around for something to distract him, he noticed Clementine's drawing. Putting the letter back on the desk, he picked it up instead. He ran his finger lightly over the waxy crayon markings, trying not to notice the sounds of Kate's footsteps heading down the hall. He traced the outline of the island, smiling at the irony of it, as the footsteps descended to the lower level of the house.

For a few minutes, he couldn't hear anything. Then, a door closed. Sawyer slowly crossed to a window that over looked the street, dreading what he knew he was about to see. He was just in time to see Kate's car driving away. He watched it go, wishing furiously now that he'd done something to stop her.

As he stared out at the street, he absentmindedly folded Clementine's drawing and slipped it into his pocket, its slight weight offering some comfort. He stayed at the window for awhile, not wanting to leave the room, because he knew that when he did, he'd have to accept that they were gone, and that it was his fault. And then he'd have to figure out what to do next.

_tbc._

* * *

Please don't kill me.


	14. Chapter 14

Hey there! Sorry about the long wait, I really meant to have this chapter finished months ago. I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

Chapter 14.

Kate drove mindlessly, as she had been doing for several hours. She knew exactly where she was going and the exact route to take, and so she barely had to pay any attention to what she was doing. It had allowed her mind to turn to a never ending cycle of thoughts early on in the trip, and now she was having immense difficulty snapping out of it.

Ever since she'd started driving, the cycle had started with a rehashing of the events that had led her here. Her conversation with Sawyer would replay in her head. She analysed every word for its individual meaning, focussing for longer on those she thought were more important. She'd consider the context of every sentence, and the tone in which they were delivered, searching for meanings she hadn't noticed the first time around. Every question was matched with its answer, to determine if anything had been left unsaid. Facial expressions and body language was scrutinised next, followed by an exact measurement of each silence. Once everything had been picked apart so that the whole piece was no longer recognisable, her mind would go numb, exhausted. This respite only ever lasted as long as was needed for her mind to recoup, before the agonising cycle would begin anew.

Each time passed her into exhaustion without revealing any new facts or feelings. Each time, she reached the resting stage faster than before and stayed there longer, until she was in an almost constant state of mental lethargy.

Still, there was enough time between those moments for her to question whether she was doing the right thing. She hadn't really wanted to leave. Even while she was packing, she'd debated whether she'd even get to the point of packing her things in her car. By packing, she'd been giving herself time to think, while at the same time getting prepared to run in case she'd decided it was ultimately what she needed to do.

It was Sawyer who'd pushed her to it, she thought. Except, she knew that wasn't quite right. As soon as he saw what she was doing, she'd figured she'd have to leave. Even if it was just for one night, to save face. Even though Sawyer undoubtedly would have seen through her act, she could have pretended to herself that she wasn't being melodramatic, putting on a show to get what she wanted.

And then she'd asked him if he wanted her to leave. It had been a stupid thing to do. She knew perfectly well how stubborn they both were, that neither would give in to the other.

If he'd asked her to stay, she would have done it. But that would have meant him backing down and swallowing his pride. She hadn't really thought he'd do that.

On the other hand, if he'd told her to leave, she would have had to do it, because there was no way she'd ever let him call her bluff. After she'd left, it would only have been a matter of time before one of them caved. And neither of them would have had to admit defeat. The "Layla misses her Dad" excuse would have gotten them through a reunion without any accusations or acceptances on their parts.

But that hadn't happened. He'd done what she'd never imagined. She believed him when he said he just wanted her to be safe. The decision to leave had been her own, and she didn't know what would happen now.

She wasn't expecting a call, begging her to come home. And she knew that she wouldn't make up an excuse to go home of her own accord. Right now, she wasn't even sure when or if she would go home. It wasn't a matter of getting even with Sawyer, or giving him time to think things through. She needed the time for herself. She needed to sort through the conflicting thoughts and emotions and put an end to this confusion. She needed to figure out who she was and what she wanted.

Suddenly realising just how long she'd been on the road, Kate decided it was time for a break. A few more minutes of driving led her to a small diner. The sight of it was another reminder of her mother's life, but she forced the thought aside. The country was littered with these places after all, she couldn't allow herself to get caught up in memories every time she passed one.

Parking the car, she went through the motions of extracting Layla from her car seat, entering the small establishment, and ordering. She was vaguely wondering how long the numbness would last this time when her cell phone rang sharply. As she dug around in her bag trying to locate it, she noticed Layla looking on inquisitively.

"It's Hurley," Kate told her once the cell was finally in her hand. She kept her voice bright; refusing to let on that a small part of her had been hoping it was Sawyer. However, Layla's eyes lit up at the name, causing Kate to smile as she answered.

"Hey Hurley," she said, feeling the brightness in her voice becoming real in light of her daughter's obvious glee.

"Hey," Hurley replied. Silence followed. Kate's momentary happiness started to sink, as though the Hurley's single syllable was a black hole reeling it in. He knew.

"Sawyer told you." It wasn't a question. In a way, it was a relief knowing that someone else knew. There was now someone she didn't have to pretend with. And now she couldn't ignore what had happened. Neither could Sawyer. Thanks to Hurley's involvement, they would be forced to deal with this. She wondered if maybe that was why Sawyer had told him in the first place.

"He told me his version," Hurley answered, cautiously.

Dread filled Kate's heart, followed quickly by burning anger. Was Sawyer blaming her?

"What do you mean his version? What did he say?" she asked, trying to keep her voice calm and even. It was hard. She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her; the simple act of breathing wasn't coming as naturally as it should.

"He's blaming himself for it all," Hurley said quickly. He'd obviously realised how she'd taken his words, and wanted to rectify the situation.

It made Kate think. Relief crept in; it was marginal, but it was there. He cared, and he would miss them. It should have been obvious to her that he'd feel that way, and it certainly was now, but the confirmation that this separation would torment him as much as it would her eased her burden slightly.

Hurley continued, "He said he went too far, comparing you to your Mom."

"Maybe he was right," Kate said quietly before she could stop herself. Hurley didn't answer, for which Kate was relieved. She wasn't ready yet for someone to try to convince her she was wrong. Words weren't enough, and coming from a friend they were especially meaningless. Those comforting phrases wouldn't be counted on to contain any element of unbiased truth.

Still, a glimmer of comfort did creep through her barricade. The knowledge that Sawyer regretted his words somehow made a difference. She didn't doubt herself any less, but it helped to know that he didn't really doubt her the way he'd said.

"Sounds like the version he told you was the real one," Kate said, attempting a joking manner, yet not quite achieving it. Still, she thought she heard Hurley chuckle briefly on the other end of the line.

"He asked you to call, didn't he." Again, Kate wasn't asking a question. She knew Sawyer and Hurley too well, she knew how close their bond was, and she knew that Hurley was the only one Sawyer would trust enough to turn to.

"Yeah," Hurley admitted. "He said he meant what he told you. He said to tell you he'll give you all the time you need."

Kate smiled gratefully. She didn't have a chance to answer though; at that moment Layla had started banging a fork against the table a little too loudly for the comfort of her fellow diners.

"And Kate?" Hurley added as she pulled the fork out of her daughter's tight grasp.

"Yeah?" she replied distractedly, trying to prevent an onslaught of tears over the loss of a new toy by pulling a real toy out of her bag. The trick worked, and Kate was able to return her full attention to the conversation just in time for Hurley's declaration.

"Just so you know, I'm not taking sides in this," he told her, sounding a little awkward.

"I'm not expecting you to," she replied, confused by both his tone and the fact that he'd felt it was something he'd needed to say at all.

He was quick to clarify, "No, I mean, I know I always seem like Sawyer's friend. But I'm yours too. So, anytime you want to talk..."

He trailed off as Kate felt tears prick at her eyes. She fought them back. She hadn't consciously realised it, but she _had_ been expecting Hurley to be Sawyer's friend in all this. Not that she'd thought he'd shun her or anything dramatic, but she'd recently felt like a bit of an outsider around those two. If there was ever a time that loyalties would be divided, she'd assumed Hurley would have Sawyer's back. It was nice to know that Hurley had enough love to go around.

"Thanks, Hurley," she managed to say eventually.

"And I won't tell Sawyer anything you don't want me to, either," Hurley added.

"Okay," Kate replied.

"So," Hurley continued briskly, now that the emotional stuff was out of the way. "Do you think you'll be gone awhile?"

"I don't know," Kate replied, a little anxiety building up in her. "I just need to sort things out, and I don't know how long that'll take."

"Yeah, but you are coming back, right?" Hurley asked hopefully. "I mean, it's not over between you is it?"

Kate didn't answer. She didn't know what the answer was. She didn't think it was over. She didn't really want it to be; despite recent developments the time she'd spent with Sawyer in her life had been the best she'd ever had. She couldn't believe that it could just have ended. It didn't _feel_ over.

Yet, something was stopping her from telling Hurley that. Maybe it was some childish belief that if she spoke her wish out loud it wouldn't come true. Maybe she didn't trust her instincts enough. After all, she'd never before been in a relationship like this one, how was she supposed to know what it felt like when it was over?

Luckily, Layla started fussing again, and she was saved from having to say anything.

"Listen Hurley, I've gotta go," she said suddenly, already putting the question out of her mind.

Hurley didn't query the abrupt end to the conversation. "Okay then. Keep me updated."

"I will," Kate promised before hanging up.

Kate picked up Layla and settled her on her lap, trying to shush her. It didn't work. Kate figured she'd just grown bored with her surroundings. There was nothing new to see, and she wasn't allowed to explore, so she grew frustrated. General fussing turned to real crying, which gradually grew louder.

They started to attract looks from onlookers, ranging from glares to stares born from curiosity. It wasn't anything unusual. Kate was apparently still a famous face; whether it was from the trial or the rescue from the island she wasn't sure. Not to mention the fact that a screaming child never failed to attract attention.

Usually, she could deal with it. Today, it made her anxious. It reminded her of when she was on the run, the paranoia, the constant looking over her shoulder to see if the ones staring were a danger to her. The exhausting stress, and the depression. She couldn't have that with a toddler in tow.

Getting everything together and paying the bill, she went back to the car, trying to ignore the eyes watching her leave. Thankfully, Layla had finally started to settle the minute they started moving. Within minutes they were back in the car, and off again.

Back on the road, Kate tried to focus on the task at hand. Anything to avoid being caught up again in the cycle she'd just managed to escape. She took note of every other car on the road; their speed, the slight way some of them veered to the side of the road before being pulled back on course by their drivers. For awhile, Layla was awake, so she talked to her. It was easy not to have to deal with her own thoughts while she was pointing out different parts of the scenery, reading aloud license plates and bumper stickers, and commenting on songs on the radio.

Eventually though, Layla fell asleep, and so Kate fell quiet. She didn't think her voice would wake her sleeping daughter; in fact, she was pretty sure it was what had put her to sleep in the first place. It was her self-consciousness that kept her quiet. With her state of mind as it was, she didn't really need to be talking to herself. She already felt crazy enough.

Too soon, the scenery lost its interest. Instead, Kate began to glance around the interior of her car, a few seconds at a time whenever she could risk taking her eyes off the road. She noticed things she never had before; the intricacies of the pattern of the seat covers, the fine layer of dust covering certain areas. It was boring, so boring, but in that bizarre, fascinating way that offers a relief from something that it would be better to avoid.

Then, something of interest caught her eye. A little toy plane, tossed casually onto the front seat of the car along with her purse. As soon as she saw it, she forced her eyes back on the road and kept them there. She didn't want to look at Tom's plane.

She didn't know why she'd even brought it. She couldn't remember grabbing it. She kept it around at home, a keepsake, the only thing she had of Tom's. It was something to remind her of him, even if too often it reminded her of how he'd died.

Maybe, by packing it she was subconsciously admitting that she might be gone awhile. She didn't need it that badly. She definitely didn't need it for a one night trip. The thought depressed her.

Even though she avoided looking at the plane, she couldn't stop the image of it rising to the forefront of her mind. With it came a new thought. It occurred to her that because of who she was and what she'd done, Tom's child was now growing up without a father.

She'd always known it, of course. Every single thing she'd done in the past that had led to misery for someone else had resulted in hours, days, even weeks of mental anguish for her. She kept a mental list of all the lives she'd ruined; how, and to what degree. Now she was revisiting this name, and she was realising that she hadn't considered it properly before.

Now, she felt like she was doing the same thing to her own child. Because of a decision she'd made, her daughter could find herself growing up without a father. And then, she was back where she'd started. Agonising over whether she'd done the right thing in leaving Sawyer.

But she wasn't leaving him. She mentally kicked herself for thinking that. It wasn't over; Layla wasn't fatherless. She was just taking some time to think.

And even if it did go that far, it would be because it was the right thing, wouldn't it? It would be because she'd decided it was the right thing to do. She could hardly compare herself to a widow.

A small noise from the back seat offered a welcome distraction, and Kate smiled in relief at the sight of Layla waking up, yawning and rubbing her eyes. At the same time, she noticed a park beside the road, and decided it was a chance for another break, a chance for both of them to stretch their legs.

Both were eager to escape the confines of the car, so it was only moments before Kate had Layla out of her car seat and they were enjoying the feel of the sun on their faces. Kate spotted a small playground nearby and started to lead Layla towards it, but the little girl had other ideas. She had her mind set on exploring a group of trees. Before long Layla was examining the tree's bark, in awe of the rough feeling it presented against her hand, while Kate wondered if her daughter was too small for a lesson in tree climbing. She wondered what Sawyer would think.

For the first time since she'd left, she wondered where he was, what he was doing. He'd spoken to Hurley; that much she knew. Was he alone in their house, wallowing in guilt and self-pity? Was he getting drunk in a bar? Was he with Hurley? Was he with Cassidy?

The thought came out of nowhere, but the worry was fully formed. The fear that had appeared upon the discovery of Sawyer's other family had apparently been festering in her subconscious ever since.

Had Sawyer really changed, or was history repeating itself? Would he go back to Cassidy if Kate left for good? Could he replace her and Layla so easily? Was Layla a replacement, a second chance, a way to make up for past mistakes?

She cast her mind back to when she was pregnant, replaying Sawyer's reaction. He hadn't been keen initially. She wondered about his misgivings. He'd never said it then, but the way he'd dealt with finding out about Clementine must have made him think he'd be a bad father. At least, it would have been one of the reasons why he'd thought that. Now after having had Layla in his life, he knew what kind of father he was capable of being. It was safe for him, now, to be around his first child.

Then again, this current disaster stemmed from his old fears about his ability. If that affected how he felt about Layla, surely the same would go for his feelings about Clementine. In that case, it seemed pretty unlikely that he'd immediately rush to her side.

The thought reassured Kate a little, especially when combined with the knowledge that Cassidy had said she didn't want him back. She'd said he'd never loved her the way he loved Kate.

The feeling didn't linger long however, as yet another wave of doubt was soon crashing over her. What if she'd been lying? It wasn't completely impossible.

And then there was Clementine. What if Cassidy thought she'd be better off with her father around? Would it be reason enough for her to forge another relationship with him? Supposing, of course, that he _did_ actually go back to her.

Which lead her back to her first worry: how long would he wait for her? She needed time to think, and he'd said he'd give her that, but it was easy to promise something when you weren't sure of all the details.

Just as she was pondering how much time she could afford to take, she was interrupted from her thoughts once again by the ringing of her cell phone. This time, she was able to pull it out of her bag quickly. The sight of Jack's name on her caller id made her stomach drop, and for a moment she considered not answering. Still, it was a distraction, an escape from her thoughts, and it was what she needed. After taking another moment to brace herself, she answered.

"Hey."

"Hey," he replied. There was an awkward pause during which Kate analysed that one syllable, hoping to figure out how he was. Before she could quite work it out, he spoke again, giving her more to go on.

"How are you?" He sounded... normal. Sober. The way he used to before leaving the island. It was encouraging, and Kate allowed herself to relax. Here was an outlet, a chance to forget her problems.

"I'm fine," she replied cautiously. She didn't want Jack to know how she was really doing. She didn't want him to know what had happened. It wasn't any business of his, and he had a way of making her feel inferior, that she couldn't do anything right. She didn't need that at the moment.

Again, there was a pause. Kate wondered why he'd called. Ever since they'd been rescued, he'd only had one reason for getting in touch with her.

"How's Sawyer? And Layla?" Jack asked suddenly. Kate was surprised by his interest. Still, it was a topic, a way out of the silence.

"Layla's great! She's growing up so fast; I can't believe it." Kate spilled out stories for awhile; accomplishments and adventures she'd witnessed her daughter partake. Jack listened, responded occasionally, laughed. It felt normal. She didn't mention Sawyer, and if Jack noticed, he didn't say anything.

"How are things with you? What have you been doing?" Kate asked when she'd run out of things to say about her daughter. She felt that she had to ask, out of politeness more than anything, yet she was apprehensive about his answer. She hadn't become convinced that he didn't have some ulterior motive for calling.

"Oh, you know, work's been keeping me busy," he replied, sounding off-handed. Kate could feel there was something he wasn't saying, and she was pretty sure she knew what it was. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, bracing herself for what she knew was coming.

"Actually..."

There it was.

"The reason I called is...

_Stay calm_, she told herself.

"I think I figured out where the island is."

Kate was surprised. It wasn't quite what she'd expected. How could he have found the island? As she turned this revelation over in her mind, Layla presented her with a pebble she'd found, a perfect worry stone. Kate smiled at her timing.

Rubbing her thumb over the smooth surface of the rock, she carefully formed her response. "Do you have exact co-ordinates?" she asked, keeping her tone even. She wanted to keep the conversation calm for as long as possible, knowing an outburst was inevitable.

Jack sounded flustered at her question. "No, not yet, but I've got it narrowed down to a pretty small area."

Kate was unconvinced, but she didn't say anything yet. Jack ploughed on regardless.

"Anyway, I'm starting to put a team together, and I was wondering if you and Sawyer would help?"

Anger flared up in her, directed at Jack for suggesting that that she and Sawyer should put on a untied front, be a team, when they were in this current mess. It was unjustified; Jack didn't know what was going on, but it was so easy, and such a relief, to be able to pin the blame on him, direct her anger away from herself, from Sawyer, for a few moments.

Kate decided it was best to try to reason with him. She already knew she wouldn't be going; neither would Sawyer, and she wanted to convince Jack that he shouldn't risk it, either.

"Don't you think it's too soon? You just said you don't know exactly where it is. Don't you think it's too risky, trying something like this without knowing exactly where you're going?"

"That's why I want your help!" Jack replied as though it was obvious, frustration beginning to show.

Kate sighed deeply, knowing the conversation had taken a downward turn.

Jack ignored her, continuing, "The more people there are involved, the less risk there is." Kate didn't even bother telling him that didn't make sense.

"So, will you help me?" Jack asked.

"Jack, I have a child," Kate said, exasperated. "I can't just pack up and leave her to go on a pointless rescue mission. Neither can Sawyer." The anger was back and she didn't bother holding it in.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jack asked, his voice cold. Normally that tone would warn Kate against answering, but today she ignored it.

"What do you honestly think you'll achieve by finding the island?" She stood up and started to pace, too agitated to sit still any longer. Layla watched on curiously.

"Kate..." She could practically see Jack shaking his head, ignoring her suggestion, passing it off as crazy and obviously not thought through.

She stopped pacing, deciding to force him to face reality. "What are the chances that she's still alive?" she asked firmly, wincing inwardly at how cold she sounded.

Jack hung up abruptly at the suggestion that Juliet was dead. Kate wasn't surprised. Relieved that the confrontation was over, yet wishing it had gone better, she took Layla's hand and started to walk.

Meandering along, Kate stayed on the tangent Jack had led her to. It was removed from her present situation, so it felt safe.

She suddenly felt guilty about how she'd reacted to Juliet's disappearance. Her main worry had been that her doctor was gone. She'd barely suppressed the fear for her future that had instantly loomed her over, covering it up with a superficial concern for the doctor's well-being. She'd acted like she'd cared more than she actually did.

It was an act, and it was empty. All those words that had been bandied about, by herself and others, were meaningless. No one on the beach had done anything. No one had tried to save her.

Why hadn't they done anything? Had no one on the beach cared enough? Even jack hadn't run off into the jungle after her. It was surely one of the reasons for his current obsession. Maybe if they'd tried to do something then, he wouldn't be the mess that he was now.

That was, if there was anything that could have been done. Chances were she'd died soon after her disappearance.

Kate imagined again the scenarios she'd first envisioned what felt like a lifetime ago, back on the island. Ben taking her somewhere not too far from their campsite and killing her in a quick, angry outburst. A failed escape attempt ending in death. An execution, punishment for her crimes against her community. For a brief second Kate even considered the possibility that Juliet may have taken her own life, in a final, desperate attempt to escape her situation, but she quickly brushed the thought away. Juliet was too strong for that, too determined to get home. She wouldn't have given up on that.

Her mindless walking had led her to a small pond. Layla cried out happily at the site of all the birds surrounding the area, and Kate smiled at her, reminded in that moment that miracles occasionally happened. Her daughter was proof of that.

Now, she was imagining new scenarios. What if Juliet had managed to escape Ben's clutches, arriving back on the beach only to find it deserted? Would she have gone back to the Others in that case, or would she have tried to make it on her own?

Maybe Ben had kept her captive. Kate remembered the cages, the brainwashing room they'd rescued Karl from, the strange room she'd visited Jack in. Any of those places could have become her new home. How long could someone survive like that?

Maybe she simply went back to her work. A captive still, taunted by how close she'd come to finally being free of that place. Back to watching women die, hoping for a breakthrough.

Maybe she was alive after all. What kind of state would she be in, though? And did it even matter? There was no chance they'd be able to save her. Even if they did manage to get back to the island, Ben would win any war waged against him, thwart any rescue attempt.

It occurred to Kate then just how bitter and depressing her thoughts were. Her current problems seemed to have sucked all optimism out of her. Even her musings on situations not her own were completely devoid of hope. Tom, Juliet, Cassidy, her parents; it was too much. She wanted to stop thinking, or at least limit it to one or two topics. Otherwise she'd lose her mind.

No longer feeling any kind of joy in being in the open air, she lifted Layla up and headed back to the car.

Back on the road, and again, she was alone with her thoughts. At last, she was starting to figure things out.

She still didn't know what she was going to do. She didn't know if she'd been blind in her love for Sawyer, if their life together was really as wonderful as it seemed. She didn't know if either of them were who she thought they were.

She did know why she'd left. Everything had changed for her when she'd found out how scared her daughter had been.

Kate _knew_ how it felt to be scared of her father. She'd grown up feeling that fear every day, and it had turned her into a severely damaged person. She didn't want her daughter to feel her fear, to share her fate.

With it came Kate's fear of being the kind of parent her mother had been. She hadn't even realised it was an issue until Sawyer had mentioned it. She'd only been thinking of him, of helping him see that he wasn't the dangerous man he sometimes thought he was. She understood him, and she understood why he occasionally lashed out. She'd been in that place many times herself.

She'd put him first, before their daughter. It went against everything they'd ever thought about in their roles as parents, that unspoken agreement they had that nothing was more important than Layla's well-being. Sawyer had seen that she'd been doing it, she figured. Why else would he have turned so harsh?

So she'd done the right thing. She'd put her daughter first; she'd taken her away from the father who admitted he couldn't necessarily ensure a safe environment for her. She was being a good mother. She was doing what her mother didn't do.

So why did she feel as though she was slowly being torn apart, that part of her was somewhere else? If this was so right, why did it feel so wrong?

Finally, she was arriving at her destination. It gave her a sense of security; somehow, this place seemed inextricably linked to the answer to all her problems. After stopping the car, she sat where she was for a few moments, taking the sight in, allowing herself to unwind.

A light turned on in the house before her. She stared at it, mesmerised, waiting until the figure of the person she'd come to see appeared, silhouetted in the doorway. Only then did she begin to move.

He met her as she stepped out of the car, folding her into a warm hug as soon as she was free. She blinked back tears as she pressed her face into his jacket, allowing herself to step back into her childhood for just a second.

Tiredly, she murmured a quiet "Hi, Dad" into the fabric against her cheek. Sam Austen pulled her closer to him, offering a wordless welcome in response.

_tbc._


End file.
